Just under two weeks ago I bought a new car and it’s really great and very silver and blah blah etc, THIS week however, I bought something which is threatening my change my life forever, I may never leave the house again, I bought the all new, 2006, rabbit, I bought the ‘Thruster’ and it does, it really does…
Now I am back in Northumberland, me and my new friend, (we’ll call him Roger, because that’s childishly funny on several levels) and last night I decided to try him out. I drank two glasses of wine to try and lose the inhibitions that I strangely developed when the woman behind the counter at Ann Summers asked me if I wanted a box of ‘Buzzy Fresh Wipes’ and thought right then, this is a bit intimidating and kind of hard to wield on your own but YOU CAN DO THIS.
It does not come with an instruction manual, I mean you assume that you wouldn’t need one right? Because although it has a few speeds and two basic functions how difficult can it be? Turns out, it can be very difficult, the first time I tentatively tried it my legs shot out from under me at a 45 degree angle from my body and I couldn’t bend them for a full three minutes, this is not a toy to be taken lightly, you could probably do some serious nerve damage if you’re not careful.
This is all because I am trying to feel a bit sexy again, medical procedures and pain management aside, I think some of the problems I am having stem from just a deep rooted feeling that my body is no longer for sexual things, it’s damaged and diseased and if it all ever gets fixed then it’ll be fixed so it can have babies and I think it’s important for my head to get back to basics. I am 25 years old and absolutely not ready to throw in the towel in that department just yet, so! I bought a vibrator and a box of buzzy fresh wipes and set to work! If I re-condition my head to think of my body as a sexual thing, then I will be able to relax a little more with my unfortunate and woefully neglected other half.
So while you’re watching Eastenders tonight, there I’ll be, legs quite literally akimbo, attempting to steer what looks a lot like a glittery blue balloon animal and possibly needing medical assistance.
But what you should really do, is not watch Eastenders, you should go and watch Casino Royale, because it’s ace and Daniel Craig is hotter that a really hot, hot thing
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Wherein I address the lyrics Moch posted on her blog and demonstrate just how different our taste in music really is.
How could that happen?
How could that happen again?
Where the fuck was I looking
When all his horses came in?
And he built a whole army
Of kamikaze
10,000 willing
Pilots flying
Interfacing
Space and beyond
Built an army
To come and find me
Beyond all reason
Beyond all my hopes
The call of duty
Another war zone (Makes me moan)
Kamikaze - you can't touch me,
kamikaze
Eight miles high
He walks his path
And I follow mine
One tooth for one eye
He's come to find me
10,000 willing
Pilots flying
Interfacing
Space and beyond
Here is his army
Interspace here we come
Kamikaze - you don't touch me
Space here we come
PJ Harvey 'Kamikaze'
How could that happen again?
Where the fuck was I looking
When all his horses came in?
And he built a whole army
Of kamikaze
10,000 willing
Pilots flying
Interfacing
Space and beyond
Built an army
To come and find me
Beyond all reason
Beyond all my hopes
The call of duty
Another war zone (Makes me moan)
Kamikaze - you can't touch me,
kamikaze
Eight miles high
He walks his path
And I follow mine
One tooth for one eye
He's come to find me
10,000 willing
Pilots flying
Interfacing
Space and beyond
Here is his army
Interspace here we come
Kamikaze - you don't touch me
Space here we come
PJ Harvey 'Kamikaze'
Monday, November 27, 2006
You know when we start our own business and take over the world?
Do we have to employ other people? Because I really think I hate other people, I like the people I like and I hate everybody else, most especially I hate people called Stuart and Sue, but I think I can extend it out to other people and say quite confidently, that I hate people I don't like. I feel that I can categorise the people I like as people I will send Christmas cards to, thus neatly boxing up all the people I like and leaving everyone else out in the cold to get frostbite on their delicates.
I think also, that I'm going to be quite selective with who I send Christmas cards to, only those who meet very exacting criteria will get one.
Hx
Do we have to employ other people? Because I really think I hate other people, I like the people I like and I hate everybody else, most especially I hate people called Stuart and Sue, but I think I can extend it out to other people and say quite confidently, that I hate people I don't like. I feel that I can categorise the people I like as people I will send Christmas cards to, thus neatly boxing up all the people I like and leaving everyone else out in the cold to get frostbite on their delicates.
I think also, that I'm going to be quite selective with who I send Christmas cards to, only those who meet very exacting criteria will get one.
Hx
Friday, November 17, 2006
And I though South Shields was bad, I had no idea....
This week I have been in Northumberland, that's somewhere near Lapland for you geographically challenged folks. Wow, I'm sure the countryside is pretty and the villages are sweet etc etc blah blah blah but where I am? Words fail me...
But clearly words don't fail me that much because I'm still typing, so to describe... The college is slap bang in the middle of an enormous housing estate, the kind where every third house is boarded up, and every fifth car is a burnt out shell that sits on the front garden. The college itself is a sixties built, six floor building in dire need of refurbishment, but I only know that from what I've been told, because I haven't actually been inside the main building... You see, the office where I'm working used to be a house, there is a row of terraced houses next to the college that have been converted into offices to save space, when I arrived I was told the department manager's office was the front bedroom, I could work in the box room and the bathroom was across the hall, however, the next day I was going up in the world and could work in the living room, ooooh....
So yesterday I stopped on the landing when I saw a boy of about 11 collapse in the street outside, two men from the mechanics department came running towards him and I got the health and safety woman from the second office/house down to go and see what the matter was and if she could help, an ambulance was called and they attended to him. All the time I'm thinking, why isn't he in school? He's not even wearing a uniform.... the health and safety lady returns to tell me that the 11 year old has smoked so much dope that he's passed out.
Later that day and there are police outside the front of the main college building wrestling an old man to the ground, the snr cons returns from a meeting with the principal and I say "so why were the police arresting some old man then?", turns out, this old man had been driving around to the front of the college, getting out of his car, flashing towards the CCTV camera's, then getting back in his car, driving round the block, coming back to the college, flashing at the CCTV, and he continued this for about 6 or 7 round trips until the police arrived to TAKE HIM AWAY.
The hotel I'm staying in seems to have no central heating, just a large, obnoxious heater in the corner of the room which sounds like a 747, so either I don't sleep because I'm cold, or I turn the heater on and I don't sleep because I can't sleep inside the engine of large aircraft.
They send me to the most glamorous places.... Have to sign off now, I think I just saw Father Christmas trying to steal my car.
But clearly words don't fail me that much because I'm still typing, so to describe... The college is slap bang in the middle of an enormous housing estate, the kind where every third house is boarded up, and every fifth car is a burnt out shell that sits on the front garden. The college itself is a sixties built, six floor building in dire need of refurbishment, but I only know that from what I've been told, because I haven't actually been inside the main building... You see, the office where I'm working used to be a house, there is a row of terraced houses next to the college that have been converted into offices to save space, when I arrived I was told the department manager's office was the front bedroom, I could work in the box room and the bathroom was across the hall, however, the next day I was going up in the world and could work in the living room, ooooh....
So yesterday I stopped on the landing when I saw a boy of about 11 collapse in the street outside, two men from the mechanics department came running towards him and I got the health and safety woman from the second office/house down to go and see what the matter was and if she could help, an ambulance was called and they attended to him. All the time I'm thinking, why isn't he in school? He's not even wearing a uniform.... the health and safety lady returns to tell me that the 11 year old has smoked so much dope that he's passed out.
Later that day and there are police outside the front of the main college building wrestling an old man to the ground, the snr cons returns from a meeting with the principal and I say "so why were the police arresting some old man then?", turns out, this old man had been driving around to the front of the college, getting out of his car, flashing towards the CCTV camera's, then getting back in his car, driving round the block, coming back to the college, flashing at the CCTV, and he continued this for about 6 or 7 round trips until the police arrived to TAKE HIM AWAY.
The hotel I'm staying in seems to have no central heating, just a large, obnoxious heater in the corner of the room which sounds like a 747, so either I don't sleep because I'm cold, or I turn the heater on and I don't sleep because I can't sleep inside the engine of large aircraft.
They send me to the most glamorous places.... Have to sign off now, I think I just saw Father Christmas trying to steal my car.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Conversations that made my eyes open up really wide.
1.
Me: Hi, I’m interested in the Renault Megane but I see that on the forecourt it’s priced at £7,495 whereas on your website it’s on for £6,995…
Car Salesman: That’s for the Pakis.
Me: looking at Glenn for help, he’s looking at me for help Sorry, what?
Car Salesman: We put an extra £500 on for the Pakis.
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t understand, how much is the car?
Car Salesman: For you love it’s £6,995. You see they’re always in here, the Pakis, asking, “What’s your final price?! What’s your final price?!” So we always put an extra £500 on the showroom price so we can take it off when they as.
Me: I see….
Car Salesman: Not that we discriminate against Pakis.
Me: Oh good Lord no
Car Salesman: It’s just that they like to barter, so we let them.
Me: How kind of you.
2.
At my father’s birthday dinner.
Mum: So, why don’t you have a boyfriend?
My Sister: 10 past six Mum, you did well, that was a whole hour you went without asking that!
Mum: But why don’t you love?
Sister: Leaning in to my mum’s ear really close, I’M GAY.
Mum: Oh don’t be silly dear.
Sister: I’m not being silly, I’m gay, I like to kiss girls.
Dad: chews silently
Sister: Dad? You’re not saying much about me coming out of the closet.
Dad: It’s not like we haven’t had our suspicions.
Sister: EXCUSE ME?!
Dad: If you repent then the Lord will forgive.
Me: Choking.
3.
Me: Hi, I’m ringing about the Dalek cufflinks I’ve seen in your catalogue.
Assistant who answered the phone to the Next customer service line: Mmm Hmm
Me: Can you tell me if you have any in stock at your Bull Ring store?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la la
Her: Sorry, Garlic cufflinks?
Me: No, Dalek, as in Dr Who?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la
Her: We have some in stock at the Bull Ring yes.
Me: Oh thank you so much I was wondering if
Her: What you will have to do now is you will have to go into the store and buy them.
Me: Uh, What?
Her: YOU, have to go INTO the store and BUY them.
Me: Right, right, yes, thanks, I’ll get on that right away.
Her: Goodbye.
Me: Hi, I’m interested in the Renault Megane but I see that on the forecourt it’s priced at £7,495 whereas on your website it’s on for £6,995…
Car Salesman: That’s for the Pakis.
Me: looking at Glenn for help, he’s looking at me for help Sorry, what?
Car Salesman: We put an extra £500 on for the Pakis.
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t understand, how much is the car?
Car Salesman: For you love it’s £6,995. You see they’re always in here, the Pakis, asking, “What’s your final price?! What’s your final price?!” So we always put an extra £500 on the showroom price so we can take it off when they as.
Me: I see….
Car Salesman: Not that we discriminate against Pakis.
Me: Oh good Lord no
Car Salesman: It’s just that they like to barter, so we let them.
Me: How kind of you.
2.
At my father’s birthday dinner.
Mum: So, why don’t you have a boyfriend?
My Sister: 10 past six Mum, you did well, that was a whole hour you went without asking that!
Mum: But why don’t you love?
Sister: Leaning in to my mum’s ear really close, I’M GAY.
Mum: Oh don’t be silly dear.
Sister: I’m not being silly, I’m gay, I like to kiss girls.
Dad: chews silently
Sister: Dad? You’re not saying much about me coming out of the closet.
Dad: It’s not like we haven’t had our suspicions.
Sister: EXCUSE ME?!
Dad: If you repent then the Lord will forgive.
Me: Choking.
3.
Me: Hi, I’m ringing about the Dalek cufflinks I’ve seen in your catalogue.
Assistant who answered the phone to the Next customer service line: Mmm Hmm
Me: Can you tell me if you have any in stock at your Bull Ring store?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la la
Her: Sorry, Garlic cufflinks?
Me: No, Dalek, as in Dr Who?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la
Her: We have some in stock at the Bull Ring yes.
Me: Oh thank you so much I was wondering if
Her: What you will have to do now is you will have to go into the store and buy them.
Me: Uh, What?
Her: YOU, have to go INTO the store and BUY them.
Me: Right, right, yes, thanks, I’ll get on that right away.
Her: Goodbye.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Beautiful enough that it made me cry
Lying alone, in bed on a Friday morning, I should be in work but I have to see the consultant so I have the day off, I am cold, so I snuggle under the duvet, I notice the deep red curtains are glowing with the early morning light behind them so I reach out of bed and pull the closest one to me wide open, I lie in bed, alone on a Friday morning, it feels like the rest of the world is running to work, and I bathe in the beautiful light of the sun, as it shines upon my face.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Just when you thought it was safe to feel good about your job.
They send you to Northumberland, for 6 bloody days.
When the senior bod rang to ask me to go I asked him if he could see glaciers from where he was stood but he declined to laugh, I told him I wasn't joking, he however is equally unhappy at being there so we both just wallowed for a bit in self-pity and bitterness.
I know, this is my job, and I really had no business getting comfortable at a site where I get to go home every day. Things are stirring again, the re-structure which will eventually replace me is starting to kick into gear and I know it's a matter of time before I am back on the road. I just shouldn't have got comfy.
On the upside, I get to meet a whole lot of new hopelessly incompetant people! Each of whom will annoy me slightly more than the last. Today, one of the temps, we'll call him Stuart, because that is his name, starting mindlessly tapping his foot against the desk, what with there being only so long I can stand to hear aimless tapping I eventually snapped:
Me: "Stuart!
Stuart: "What?"
Me: "That's annoying"
The tapping stopped.
The, five minutes later it started again.
Me: "Stuart!"
Suart; "What?"
Me: "It's still annoying"
Stuart: "Yeah, but you didn't say it was my foot so how am I supposed to know what's annoying?"
Me: "Because you just told me it was your foot, so you know that I meant your foot, so stop doing it."
Stuart: "Oh yeah".
Do you think there's even the slightest chance people in Northumberland will be less, oh how do I put this? THICK?
I fear not.
When the senior bod rang to ask me to go I asked him if he could see glaciers from where he was stood but he declined to laugh, I told him I wasn't joking, he however is equally unhappy at being there so we both just wallowed for a bit in self-pity and bitterness.
I know, this is my job, and I really had no business getting comfortable at a site where I get to go home every day. Things are stirring again, the re-structure which will eventually replace me is starting to kick into gear and I know it's a matter of time before I am back on the road. I just shouldn't have got comfy.
On the upside, I get to meet a whole lot of new hopelessly incompetant people! Each of whom will annoy me slightly more than the last. Today, one of the temps, we'll call him Stuart, because that is his name, starting mindlessly tapping his foot against the desk, what with there being only so long I can stand to hear aimless tapping I eventually snapped:
Me: "Stuart!
Stuart: "What?"
Me: "That's annoying"
The tapping stopped.
The, five minutes later it started again.
Me: "Stuart!"
Suart; "What?"
Me: "It's still annoying"
Stuart: "Yeah, but you didn't say it was my foot so how am I supposed to know what's annoying?"
Me: "Because you just told me it was your foot, so you know that I meant your foot, so stop doing it."
Stuart: "Oh yeah".
Do you think there's even the slightest chance people in Northumberland will be less, oh how do I put this? THICK?
I fear not.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
This right here, is why I cannot possibly be properly depressed.
My hatred of everything about Friends Reunited was documented a while back, but, because I like to mentally torture myself I thought I'd have another look.
Lo! I am cheered!
For while I thought I was one more toilet cubical located cry away from medication, and the words 'happy pills' seemed more and more appealing, it has been proven that I AM NOT THERE YET.
This person might be though:
For those of you that actually care (I imagine this amounts to very few, if any of you) my life seems little more than a grotesque waking nightmare these days. I won't go into the thoroughly tragic details of why this is, but my days seems to largely consist of prolonged boughts of depression, followed by a near unresistable urge to take my own life. Needless to say I'm not doing terribly well presently, and I see little chance of positive change in the near, or indeed distant future. So, if you happen to see my name appear in the local obituaries any time soon, don't be surprised. It's only a matter of time. In all honestly it's probably what I deserve for a life seemingly devoted to self-pity, cowardice and unremitting failure.
YES! I mean sure, it's a shame his life is so shitty, and I do hope he doesn't take his own life as he seems so inclined to, but YES! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN HE IS.
Now, I am going to get some ice cream.
Lo! I am cheered!
For while I thought I was one more toilet cubical located cry away from medication, and the words 'happy pills' seemed more and more appealing, it has been proven that I AM NOT THERE YET.
This person might be though:
For those of you that actually care (I imagine this amounts to very few, if any of you) my life seems little more than a grotesque waking nightmare these days. I won't go into the thoroughly tragic details of why this is, but my days seems to largely consist of prolonged boughts of depression, followed by a near unresistable urge to take my own life. Needless to say I'm not doing terribly well presently, and I see little chance of positive change in the near, or indeed distant future. So, if you happen to see my name appear in the local obituaries any time soon, don't be surprised. It's only a matter of time. In all honestly it's probably what I deserve for a life seemingly devoted to self-pity, cowardice and unremitting failure.
YES! I mean sure, it's a shame his life is so shitty, and I do hope he doesn't take his own life as he seems so inclined to, but YES! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN HE IS.
Now, I am going to get some ice cream.
Friday, November 03, 2006
The horror
1. Of realising that you are stood in the shower, hair and body dripping wet, and you have left your towel in the bedroom...
2. ...As it slowly dawns on you that you are in someone else's house.
2. ...As it slowly dawns on you that you are in someone else's house.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I'm not being a crazy liberal, but...
I just want to put this out there, I just want to write it down and then send it out into the world, you may not agree with me, you may be made completely furious by this but I had the most alarming conversation this week, a conversation which rapidly deteriorated into a lecture, wherein I sat, speechless, unable to breathe, because if I did let my breath out I would not have been able to stop myself from screaming, screaming that no, you are not right, you are very wrong, and yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but frankly you are not entitled to that opinion.
FIRSTLY, the phrase "I'm not being racist but..." is usually, I have noticed, only used when the person saying it is about to be INCREDIBLY RACIST, really, you're not going to say "I'm not being racist but I believe all people are equal regardless of colour", but you might say "I'm not being racist but I think they should all be sent back".
SECONDLY, who are 'they', and WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SEND THEM? Because if they were born in Birmingham, and you're going to 'send them back', the maternity ward at the Queen Elizabeth is going to get staggeringly full all of a sudden.
THIRDLY, I DO NOT AGREE, that while Hitler was admittedly 'one sandwich short', he may have had the right idea with 'that whole Jewish death camp thing', NO, I do NOT think, that if we send 'them', all to camps and 'finish them off for good', we wouldn't have to worry about 'this terrorism crap anymore'.
OH MY GOD.
Just... I mean... head... exploding... what the... FUCK.
We've been worrying about terrorism since 1916, if it's not one group it's another and, rather like how Hitler was a murderous, genocidal lunatic for trying to exterminate the Jews, we should probably try and think of a better solution than shipping every single asian off to another country, because I'm telling you now, I would worry far more about someone trying to kill me because they've suddenly have to live in a country they've never been to before, than someone sat in their living room watching Coronation Street with a cup of tea who just happens to be wearing a burka. Likewise, I think it might be a tad excessive to kill 'them' all off, where would you draw the line? Really, if this is your position, how would you go about deciding who lives and who dies? YOU CRAZY BONKERS LOON.
FOURTHLY, and I have listened to lots of arguments about this, and have spent a lot of time figuring out my position... I think that women who come to this country should be allowed to wear whatever headdress they feel appropriate, and if that means covering their entire body in swathes of balck fabric, leaving only a small tube for breathing purposes then so be it. No, we wouldn't be allowed to wander around Pakistan or Afghanistan in a bikini, they'd probably stone us to death, but THAT is exactly why these women have come to Britain, because we are liberal, and free thinking and believe that everyone has a right to practise whatever religion they want, in whatever way they want (within reason), and the very second we ban burka's, we become as oppressive and dictatorial as the regime these people have come to this country to escape. All right, if someone can't understand a teacher because she's wearing one then fair enough, she might have to take it off, everything in it's place, but wandering round the shops on a Saturday? let her wear what she wants! Isn't that what living in the west is all about?
Done, thanks.
FIRSTLY, the phrase "I'm not being racist but..." is usually, I have noticed, only used when the person saying it is about to be INCREDIBLY RACIST, really, you're not going to say "I'm not being racist but I believe all people are equal regardless of colour", but you might say "I'm not being racist but I think they should all be sent back".
SECONDLY, who are 'they', and WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SEND THEM? Because if they were born in Birmingham, and you're going to 'send them back', the maternity ward at the Queen Elizabeth is going to get staggeringly full all of a sudden.
THIRDLY, I DO NOT AGREE, that while Hitler was admittedly 'one sandwich short', he may have had the right idea with 'that whole Jewish death camp thing', NO, I do NOT think, that if we send 'them', all to camps and 'finish them off for good', we wouldn't have to worry about 'this terrorism crap anymore'.
OH MY GOD.
Just... I mean... head... exploding... what the... FUCK.
We've been worrying about terrorism since 1916, if it's not one group it's another and, rather like how Hitler was a murderous, genocidal lunatic for trying to exterminate the Jews, we should probably try and think of a better solution than shipping every single asian off to another country, because I'm telling you now, I would worry far more about someone trying to kill me because they've suddenly have to live in a country they've never been to before, than someone sat in their living room watching Coronation Street with a cup of tea who just happens to be wearing a burka. Likewise, I think it might be a tad excessive to kill 'them' all off, where would you draw the line? Really, if this is your position, how would you go about deciding who lives and who dies? YOU CRAZY BONKERS LOON.
FOURTHLY, and I have listened to lots of arguments about this, and have spent a lot of time figuring out my position... I think that women who come to this country should be allowed to wear whatever headdress they feel appropriate, and if that means covering their entire body in swathes of balck fabric, leaving only a small tube for breathing purposes then so be it. No, we wouldn't be allowed to wander around Pakistan or Afghanistan in a bikini, they'd probably stone us to death, but THAT is exactly why these women have come to Britain, because we are liberal, and free thinking and believe that everyone has a right to practise whatever religion they want, in whatever way they want (within reason), and the very second we ban burka's, we become as oppressive and dictatorial as the regime these people have come to this country to escape. All right, if someone can't understand a teacher because she's wearing one then fair enough, she might have to take it off, everything in it's place, but wandering round the shops on a Saturday? let her wear what she wants! Isn't that what living in the west is all about?
Done, thanks.
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