I think I may take drugs sometimes and then not remember....

I found an old notebook hidden in my laptop bag and was having a flick through to see if there was any information that I needed to keep before I threw it away when I noticed that I make no sense whatsoever and it is a miracle I can function as a living human at all.

Things what I wrote in notebook;

Things that have happened since I posted which was quite a while ago now –

Painted bathroom, disaster
Gym, pain, energy.
Sex (question – should you write about your sex life on the internet?)

The answer is no by the way, in case you were wondering what I decided about that, and you should never, ever, write about your vibrator, it disturbs people….

Go to Amsterdam

Right… Ok then….

Drop card off for Matt

I can only apologise to Matt if I didn’t, I can’t remember doing it but you see? I have good intentions!

Liz – Saturday wedding

I don’t know if I was telling her to get married on a Saturday or if that was the name of something, either way she’s getting married on a Wednesday so it shows how much I know.

Why did talk to at office holiday

Drunk, must have been.

If the F.St is FE then the LA REF must exist in FE AV with a valid status for current ac yr, but not for new starters or re-sits.
N=09 XX excluding C I K M O V or whole must be spaces
A09_A10_A20_A27_LAD 6

Stunningly, that’s pretty much the only thing in the whole notebook which makes perfect sense to me.

Send apologies to Bryan

I don’t know anyone called Bryan.

Keep photocopy of

What?

Liza was a proper gypsy!

That’s true actually.

Do it! Do it do it do it do it!!!

DO WHAT?!

Michael H has unnaturally feminine hands

Also true.

Ethnicity – Learning difficulties, DONE!

Ohkaaaay…….

Is there a skip nearby I can put the garden rubbish in during the night?

Ha ha! We are sooooooo cheap….

GP thinks what JV wants

Again, true…

ROJO – Indian next to Solihull Ice Rink, meet Aimee at 8

Turned out to be an Italian and I should have met her at 7.

Dirty London junkies stole my Fiorelli purse

Now that’s true but I’m not sure why I was so upset because I actually bought the purse from TK Maxx…..

Nokia 6210 – Worth £100

That’s me planning insurance fraud.

But my absolute favourite is this;

Kevin, room 7, mount over desk.

I don’t know who Kevin is, but wow! He sure got lucky….

Trying to find a gift....

Me: Hey, check this one out, for $99 I can send them the luxury beer gift hamper

Him: That, get them that.

Me: And if I send that what will I be sending her?

Him: His happiness.

Later

Me: I give up, I can't find anything, the only kind of flowers this company will deliver over there is a wreath.

Him: I'm saying nothing.... absolutely nothing.

Just lovely lovely lovely.

I get this email, and I'm sat next to my boss and the first thing I think as I click on the photo is 'yeah, if he turns round now and sees me looking at this picture I'm not going to be the most popular person in the office...', then as the picture loads and I can see what it is my phone rings, at which point I pick it up and scream "OH MY GOD I JUST GOT YOUR EMAIL AND I WAS GOING TO SCREAM THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF EMAIL BUT NOW I CAN SCREAM AT YOU!!" and then I run out the office and spend half an hour on the phone.

Probably no pay rise this year.

But I don't care, because my beautiful best friend is getting married and that's one of the best reasons in the world not to give a stuff what your boss thinks about how you waste your day (let's face it, it was either talk on the phone or look for wedding dresses that don't look like parachutes on the internet to send to her, either way after news like this I certainly wasn't about to actually work).

It's just totally brilliant, they're two people who bring happiness to everyone around them and have brought each other the kind of peace and contentment most of us can only wish for. Truly they were made for each other (and I mean that in the nicest possible way, not like when someone said I was made for Glenn and what they actually meant was it's really my only function in life so if he ever leaves me I should probably just die because really? What would be the point after that?) and didn't the boy do well with the ring?! It's perfect.

But I digress, this post is about the commitment Selena and Matt want to make to each other and the beautiful family they are going to create (hopefully with babies rather than cats, weird).

I don't feel at all ready for such a huge commitment, and as such I feel masses of admiration for those who are, so to Selena and Matt and Liz and Gareth, I hope the worst days of the rest of your life are only as bad as the happiest days you've already had (I can't possibly be clever enough to have thought that up, must have seen it on a greeting card somewhere....).

Just remember Moch, you're not the only one who's handy with a scrapbook and a pritstick.....

Conversation with my sister

Her: They're actually really nice

Me: See, I told you! And they're good for you.

Her: But you've made so many, where are you going to put them?

Me: I've got some tupperware.... damn it!

Her: What?

Me: I don't have any tupperware big enough for my muffins.

Her: I can't believe you just said that.

Me: What?

Her: You are like, 50 years old, it's embarassing.

Me: You smell like glastonbury.

Her: What?

Me: You. Smell. Like. Glastonbury, you smell like the third day of glastonbury, when the beer stains have been sat in the sun and the air is tinged with the urine smell drifting over the site from the cow shed toilets.

Her: It's my coat, I didn't take it off in the club last night and it smells like mouldy fags.

Me: Well for gods sake take it off.

Her: Never mind that I think I'm going to be sick.

Me: Not in my car you're not, GET OUT! GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!

Her: Old lady

Me: Stinking hobo.

Inner Monologue of a rampant shopaholic who will not be saved

Ok, it’s ok, you’re just on your lunch hour and that means we go straight to Boots to get a sandwich, do not stop at The Bodyshop walk, straight past Next, do not stop and look in Wallis oooh there’s a new New Look open why didn’t I know about that? Oooh lovely biba style sixties smocks over a polo neck, that would look so sweet with black trousers NO you bought that jumper and a dress on Saturday you do NOT need anything else… well maybe we’ll just look in NO walk OUT of New Look, ignore the pretty colours. Right, Boots Boots Boots Boots Boots Boots ah that’s nice, all monochrome and tied around the waist I wonder how much NO, I FORBID YOU TO BUY ANYTHING FROM A SHOP THAT’S CALLED QUIZ AND SMELLS LIKE POUNDSTRETCHER! Phew, that was close, onto Boots, must make it to Boots mmmmmmmm 70% off at Monsoon maybe I’ll just have a little OH MY GOD clearly you cannot be trusted out in public, get out! GET OUT OF THE SHOPPING CENTRE! You’ll just have to go without lunch.

Peacocks?

PEACOCKS?! What is wrong with you woman?!

Think of Hong Kong, concentrate on Hong Kong, eye on the prize Davis eye on the prize…

But I’ll have to be dressed in Hong…

NO. Better to be naked in Hong Kong than dressed in Birmingham

You are not a very good rationalist

I know.

Conversation at a party after a christening

Me: Mother, are you wearing a rubber skirt?

Her: I am not!

Me: I think you are, I was looking at it in the church, that is definately some kind of rubber.

Her: I can assure you it isn't.

Me: Well you could wipe it clean that's for sure. You are a classy lady.

Later

Me: I think the baby is funny looking

Him: Yeah, bit of a squishy face and a big head.

Me: We were born to be parents.

Him: But only to babies who are quiet and normal looking.

Me: Of course.

Conversation at a christening

Me: You should be so fat.

Him: Eh?

Me: Look at you, stuffing fried chicken down your throat like we're on the eve of the apocalypse and you will never get to eat again, and still you're the thinnest person here!

Him: I'm not the thinnest person here, she is. and he points

Me: She's nine months old.

Him: Still counts.

Saturday night conversation

Me: Bored, I'm just so bloody bored, just sitting here is just so. Fucking. Boring.

Him: Well what do you want to do?

Me: I don't know! I've just got to do something, all this doing nothing is doing my head in.

Him: But when I ask you to think of something we can do you can't think of anything!

Me: I know, but that's because we're trying not to spend any money, there is nothing to do for free.

Him: If you want nice things and to go to nice places you have to sacrifice to get them.

Me: What do other people do when they've got no money?

Him: They sit at home and watch TV.

Me: And that is exactly why people kill themselves. I WILL NOT SURVIVE THIS.

Him: Yes you will, now get me a beer.

Me:

Him: Yeah now you just look cross.

Me: The ice is thin where you live.

Him: I know.

Shortlisting

Can you give a person a job based entirely on them listing 'travelling in my camper van' in their hobbies and interests, admittedly she has no experience, but we could be friends!

30 applications down, 13 to go........

Doofus

I spend an hour on the phone to Moch, she urges me to SET UP SKYPE YOU LAZY WOMAN! So I do, I get all the stuff out the box and set everything up and connect this wire to that wire and bingo! My work is done, I download stuff and install stuff and woo hoo! Check me out! A technical guru worthy of a job for an software based management company (hang on a second....), what other wondrous things can I accomplish today I wonder? Maybe I will re-decorate the bedrooms, finish the loft boards, make a quilt, bake a cake, landscape the garden.... But hang on, let's start with something small and work my way up to Nigella like status... I will put away the clothes in the spare room, some tunes I think, click on itunes, select track, hit play...

Where is the music?

There is no music....

Oh I have done something stupid, I have fucked up the PC, I have broken the speakers, I have set fire to something internal and eventually the wires will implode, the house will crumble and they will find me underneath the rubble clinging to a USB cable mumbling "why.....", but no, here it is! here! the speaker cable has come out! THIS I CAN FIX! Just need to plug it back in... God I'm good, wow.... where the hell do you plug it in? this one? No that's not aerosmith, that's just lots of obnoxious crackles... here? no, again with the crackles, Ah ha! This must be the... No.

Silence.

This must be what is was like in the war.