You pulled up and parked your El Dorado
We said "hi" and kissed with some bravado
I got out my camera and was laughing
Happy it was you I'm photographing
And we drove to the ferry
Like the cat and canary
I said, "Baby, it's scary
When it's so beautiful
Why does it hurt me
To feel so much tenderness?
Beautiful
You little wonder, you"
Maybe then I held your hand and kissed you
I know once I just hauled off and hit you
'Cause I can't even stand it
'Cause I don't want to end it
To be perfectly candid –
Baby, you're beautiful
Sometimes it hurts me
To feel so much tenderness
Beautiful
Wish you could see it, too
And all I have to do today
Is make you happy
The only thing you have to say
Is, "It's all lovely, baby"
Late that night, we checked into the Bellevue
Held you close, but, baby – couldn't tell you
And we stayed in our Calvins
And we swore we'd be best friends
And I looked through the zoom lens
And thought you were beautiful
Sometimes it hurts me
To feel so much tenderness
Beautiful
Baby, I'm dazzled
By the view
Beautiful
You don't need to tell me
I'm completely powerless
Beautiful
I wish you could see it, too
I wish you could see it, too
I wish you could see it, too
Baby, how I see you
(Aimee Mann 'Beautiful')
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Letter to a friend who recently moved from her beloved home town to a place called London and who is still being bothered by her horrible ex-boyfriend
Lovely, lovely girl,
Stop torturing yourself, how much does thee have going for her? Let me count the ways..... And who is this Xxx person that you are thinking about and worrying about in the grand scheme of things? He is NOBODY that's who and I know that it's difficult when you have to let go of someone but let us remember the Green One, You see how you can think about him and be totally fine now? And that is the way it is going to be with Xxx eventually, but your life has moved on from him really, not the other way around, he is still where he has been all this time and it's YOU who have moved away to discover greatness in the big city, he's probably gone out and found someone to hang out with to try and forget about you who has left a gaping hole in his life!
I know it's hard living in a new place after leaving somewhere you love as much as Manc Land, and you probably wonder every day if you made the right decision. I think you were very brave to move down to London, there are not many people who would give up a safe life in somewhere familiar to find out if there's something better out there for them and for these people life usually rewards with tremendously exciting opportunities. Think of yourself as the person who left the pop band first, the person who is brave enough to leave first is ALWAYS the most succesful because they are smart enough to take a chance on something bigger.
Yes, you are ROBBIE WILLIAMS! (I fear I am Gary Barlow, or maybe even Jason Orange.....)
Now I want you to smile that blinding smile of yours, the one that lights up your eyes and makes your whole face seem like summer and forget about Xxx, think about all the reasons you walked away from Manc and all the AMAZING things London has to offer, I'll see you in just a couple of weeks time for bright lights on the big city.
LOADS of love,
Me
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Stop torturing yourself, how much does thee have going for her? Let me count the ways..... And who is this Xxx person that you are thinking about and worrying about in the grand scheme of things? He is NOBODY that's who and I know that it's difficult when you have to let go of someone but let us remember the Green One, You see how you can think about him and be totally fine now? And that is the way it is going to be with Xxx eventually, but your life has moved on from him really, not the other way around, he is still where he has been all this time and it's YOU who have moved away to discover greatness in the big city, he's probably gone out and found someone to hang out with to try and forget about you who has left a gaping hole in his life!
I know it's hard living in a new place after leaving somewhere you love as much as Manc Land, and you probably wonder every day if you made the right decision. I think you were very brave to move down to London, there are not many people who would give up a safe life in somewhere familiar to find out if there's something better out there for them and for these people life usually rewards with tremendously exciting opportunities. Think of yourself as the person who left the pop band first, the person who is brave enough to leave first is ALWAYS the most succesful because they are smart enough to take a chance on something bigger.
Yes, you are ROBBIE WILLIAMS! (I fear I am Gary Barlow, or maybe even Jason Orange.....)
Now I want you to smile that blinding smile of yours, the one that lights up your eyes and makes your whole face seem like summer and forget about Xxx, think about all the reasons you walked away from Manc and all the AMAZING things London has to offer, I'll see you in just a couple of weeks time for bright lights on the big city.
LOADS of love,
Me
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, July 25, 2005
My So-Called Life
Hello! I have been away, and now I am back and I am trying to think of wonderful positive things about how refreshed I feel after a week in Spain at my Mum and Dad's villa, and how positive I feel about the future because my houe is starting to feel a little bit more like home every day..... but it's not working.
Ok, so I need to remember all the wonderful things I can feel enormously positive about.
1. ) It is true that I have spent the past week dans la espagnol, in a beautiful villa that I can go to any time I want because my parents own it. All week we did nothing but lie by the pool and eat and drink FAR TOO MUCH, I have not felt hungry since last Wednesday, the most difficult decision we made all day was whether or not to have ice in our drinks because you know, it was hot and ice melts which means your drink can be watery but really, I mean how long is the drink going to be in the glass for? The ice will still be ice so just put some in so the damn thing's cold etc etc etc... you can see where I'm going with this, hardly questions worthy of Einstein.
2.) It is also true that I spent the week before that at home doing things to the house, venturing out to shop and take my lovely and hard working man out for lunch. I slept in every single day (I made a rule that I was not allowed out of bed until after Will and Grace, which I think is on at 9.30am) and watched something in the afternoon presented by Nigella Lawson (one of my most favourite people who I have never met) and then something about babies (which I did not have to pretend to be embarassed about watching because Glenn was at work). SO I had plenty of time to chill out and forget about things.
3.) I got to spend tonnes and tonnes of time with the people in my Top Ten Friends Of All Time list, two of which firmly positioned themselves in the Top Five (one of which cemented herself in the Top One.... You know who you are....) I was cooked for, I was shopped for, I was shown in short what a real friend is and how if ever there was a time to completely let go of all that rubbish with three people who threw themselves out of any kind of list last October, then this is it. True friends wipe the tears from your eyes, mow the grass in your lawn when hay fever means you lose your eye sight when you spend too much time near grass, they cook for you when your cooker is in a box in the living room and all you have to cook with is a microwave and they CANNOT FACE you only eating microwaved food, they tart up your CV when your job becomes more than you can take anymore, they invite you to things ALL THE TIME and you forget what it was like to feel alone, they make you buy discounted designer jeans because they could see the sadness in your eyes when you put them back on the rail because they were JUST SO PRETTY. So all in all, I discovered that I am most definately not alone, and the only person who makes me feel rubbish is me, and I have the most special friends in the whole entire world and YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE MINE.
4.) Glenn, for he is just the most beautiful person in the universe and every happy love song makes me think of him and every sad love song makes me feel sad that the people who wrote the sad song never met him because if they did then they would never feel sad again (either that or they'd kick his skinny sarcastic ass). We have been through the first rough patch of our relationship recently but it's not surprising what with my job and his job and the house and everything, I don't think many couples could say that they could live through the last couple of months that we have and not have a few cross words. The point is that this rough patch was really not so rough and every morning when I wake up next to him I feel like the luckiest woman alive (and then he farts, and it's ruined).
5.) My Family, they're not so bad, in fact they're really quite nice. I suppose.
So there you have five reasons that mean that whether or not my employer has told me that I will be away from home Monday to Friday every week for the next three months, I don't care because I've still got reasons to stick two fingers up to the world and say you know what? Send me away if you want, because the reason I get so sad about being away is because the life I leave behind is pretty fucking great.
And I think that that's a really good reason to be sad.
P.S I would like to record for posterity the fact that yesterday I popped round to my parents and my mum asked us if we needed to eat and I said yes please (Cooker's in a box remember) and she said how about a bit of pasta and a sausage? And less than half an hour later called us into the dining room to a full roast chicken dinner because part way through getting the pasta out of the cupboard she changed her mind and decided we needed vegetables.
Is that not totally amazing?! Seriously, FROM SCRATCH, IN LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR.
And she guessed the secret ingredient in Tina's Secret Ingredient Chocolate Cake without even tasting it.
Reason 6. My Fucking Awesome Mother.
Ok, so I need to remember all the wonderful things I can feel enormously positive about.
1. ) It is true that I have spent the past week dans la espagnol, in a beautiful villa that I can go to any time I want because my parents own it. All week we did nothing but lie by the pool and eat and drink FAR TOO MUCH, I have not felt hungry since last Wednesday, the most difficult decision we made all day was whether or not to have ice in our drinks because you know, it was hot and ice melts which means your drink can be watery but really, I mean how long is the drink going to be in the glass for? The ice will still be ice so just put some in so the damn thing's cold etc etc etc... you can see where I'm going with this, hardly questions worthy of Einstein.
2.) It is also true that I spent the week before that at home doing things to the house, venturing out to shop and take my lovely and hard working man out for lunch. I slept in every single day (I made a rule that I was not allowed out of bed until after Will and Grace, which I think is on at 9.30am) and watched something in the afternoon presented by Nigella Lawson (one of my most favourite people who I have never met) and then something about babies (which I did not have to pretend to be embarassed about watching because Glenn was at work). SO I had plenty of time to chill out and forget about things.
3.) I got to spend tonnes and tonnes of time with the people in my Top Ten Friends Of All Time list, two of which firmly positioned themselves in the Top Five (one of which cemented herself in the Top One.... You know who you are....) I was cooked for, I was shopped for, I was shown in short what a real friend is and how if ever there was a time to completely let go of all that rubbish with three people who threw themselves out of any kind of list last October, then this is it. True friends wipe the tears from your eyes, mow the grass in your lawn when hay fever means you lose your eye sight when you spend too much time near grass, they cook for you when your cooker is in a box in the living room and all you have to cook with is a microwave and they CANNOT FACE you only eating microwaved food, they tart up your CV when your job becomes more than you can take anymore, they invite you to things ALL THE TIME and you forget what it was like to feel alone, they make you buy discounted designer jeans because they could see the sadness in your eyes when you put them back on the rail because they were JUST SO PRETTY. So all in all, I discovered that I am most definately not alone, and the only person who makes me feel rubbish is me, and I have the most special friends in the whole entire world and YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE MINE.
4.) Glenn, for he is just the most beautiful person in the universe and every happy love song makes me think of him and every sad love song makes me feel sad that the people who wrote the sad song never met him because if they did then they would never feel sad again (either that or they'd kick his skinny sarcastic ass). We have been through the first rough patch of our relationship recently but it's not surprising what with my job and his job and the house and everything, I don't think many couples could say that they could live through the last couple of months that we have and not have a few cross words. The point is that this rough patch was really not so rough and every morning when I wake up next to him I feel like the luckiest woman alive (and then he farts, and it's ruined).
5.) My Family, they're not so bad, in fact they're really quite nice. I suppose.
So there you have five reasons that mean that whether or not my employer has told me that I will be away from home Monday to Friday every week for the next three months, I don't care because I've still got reasons to stick two fingers up to the world and say you know what? Send me away if you want, because the reason I get so sad about being away is because the life I leave behind is pretty fucking great.
And I think that that's a really good reason to be sad.
P.S I would like to record for posterity the fact that yesterday I popped round to my parents and my mum asked us if we needed to eat and I said yes please (Cooker's in a box remember) and she said how about a bit of pasta and a sausage? And less than half an hour later called us into the dining room to a full roast chicken dinner because part way through getting the pasta out of the cupboard she changed her mind and decided we needed vegetables.
Is that not totally amazing?! Seriously, FROM SCRATCH, IN LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR.
And she guessed the secret ingredient in Tina's Secret Ingredient Chocolate Cake without even tasting it.
Reason 6. My Fucking Awesome Mother.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Thursday July 7th 2005
I want to write something about what happened yesterday. I don't really feel qualified to comment on the politics, I don't even feel qualified to write about the enormous devastation and tragic loss of life that happened when terrorists struck London's transport system.
When planes struck the Twin Towers in 2001, I was, as everyone was, completely shocked at such brutality and wanton slaughter, that people in another country could hate a way of life so much that they were willing to die to destroy it. I didn't understand it. Neither though, did I understand the reaction of America, I don't mean the grief or the hysteria, I was 16 when Princess Diana died and I can understand much more why a country would be plunged into a state of national mourning because of a terrorist act resulting in the loss of thousands of innocent peoples lives than one woman in a car, however beautiful or special she was. What I didn't understand about America's reaction was the vigilante attitude that overtook them, George Bush and his axis of evil, the way it was split into black and white, good or evil, I never believed that you can just condem a whole group of people for a minorities actions. 'How dare they invade Afghanistan' I thought, how many people die in the middle east everyday and no one takes any notice, all of a sudden it's American's and countries are invaded, bombed, torn apart. The war on terror began and I thought, 'how did this happen? When did America become the world police? who gave them the right?'
I think a lot of this attitude came from being a child in a country that, through the 80's and most of the 90's, lived under tha shadow of the IRA, I understood what it meant to have that threat hanging over you, that it is indescriminate and unwielding, that it doesn't care about who you are, or your family, your age, your colour; if you are alive, then it wants you dead.
Then yesterday happened and I was shocked at my own reaction, I panicked when I thought of friends who may have been caught up in it (all are ok, thank God), I cried when I saw the pictures on the news and heard those who lived through it describe their experinces and then my sense of outrage grew and grew, how DARE these people come into my country and try and destroy my way of life and the people I love, who are they to say that we live the wrong way, that we deserve to die through such terrible violence because they feel wronged.
They are undoubtedly brave and clearly strong in their convictions, their beliefs, but how do you begin to understand those who would destroy you with bombs.
My heart aches when I think of those who were suddenly and terribly alone last night. I had an email today from someone I haven't spoken to in a long, long time, he said he didn't know why he was getting in touch today of all days but that he hoped I was well. I did something I didn't know I could do and I replied, I said I was well, happy and I was so, so glad he was as successful as he was and I thanked him for getting in touch. In times like these, nothing that mattered before seems to matter still.
When planes struck the Twin Towers in 2001, I was, as everyone was, completely shocked at such brutality and wanton slaughter, that people in another country could hate a way of life so much that they were willing to die to destroy it. I didn't understand it. Neither though, did I understand the reaction of America, I don't mean the grief or the hysteria, I was 16 when Princess Diana died and I can understand much more why a country would be plunged into a state of national mourning because of a terrorist act resulting in the loss of thousands of innocent peoples lives than one woman in a car, however beautiful or special she was. What I didn't understand about America's reaction was the vigilante attitude that overtook them, George Bush and his axis of evil, the way it was split into black and white, good or evil, I never believed that you can just condem a whole group of people for a minorities actions. 'How dare they invade Afghanistan' I thought, how many people die in the middle east everyday and no one takes any notice, all of a sudden it's American's and countries are invaded, bombed, torn apart. The war on terror began and I thought, 'how did this happen? When did America become the world police? who gave them the right?'
I think a lot of this attitude came from being a child in a country that, through the 80's and most of the 90's, lived under tha shadow of the IRA, I understood what it meant to have that threat hanging over you, that it is indescriminate and unwielding, that it doesn't care about who you are, or your family, your age, your colour; if you are alive, then it wants you dead.
Then yesterday happened and I was shocked at my own reaction, I panicked when I thought of friends who may have been caught up in it (all are ok, thank God), I cried when I saw the pictures on the news and heard those who lived through it describe their experinces and then my sense of outrage grew and grew, how DARE these people come into my country and try and destroy my way of life and the people I love, who are they to say that we live the wrong way, that we deserve to die through such terrible violence because they feel wronged.
They are undoubtedly brave and clearly strong in their convictions, their beliefs, but how do you begin to understand those who would destroy you with bombs.
My heart aches when I think of those who were suddenly and terribly alone last night. I had an email today from someone I haven't spoken to in a long, long time, he said he didn't know why he was getting in touch today of all days but that he hoped I was well. I did something I didn't know I could do and I replied, I said I was well, happy and I was so, so glad he was as successful as he was and I thanked him for getting in touch. In times like these, nothing that mattered before seems to matter still.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Hello from the outer limits
I haven't said too much recently because I haven't really felt upbeat enough to write anything that wasn't a little bit 'poor me' and I didn't want to write anything that was 'poor me' because I have so much to be grateful for and really, the things in my life that are all a bit crappy at the moment are all fixable and hell, it's not like I live in the Sudan is it?
Reasons I am feeling a touch rubbish recently are few but significant (to me anyway), the house is coming along nicely but just seems to have taken over my life, it's all I think about when I'm not working, it's all I talk about and it's the reason I have no money. I am being attacked by the Hay Fever Fairy, who refuses to go away, the sun only has to shine through a haze of black cloud and my nose siezes up, my eyelids swell up and shut down and I CAN'T STOP SNEEZING, please, enough of this, it's so gross! And the endometriosis is back, ah we thought we had got rid of it for good (actually I remember my consultant telling me quite clearly that the only thing that was ever going to get rid of it for good was one of those baby things, but hey ho! They don't call it denial for nothing) I am resistant to the baby idea, what with that involving, you know, HAVING A BABY, so I am going to see that nice consultant man again in the hope that he had some kind of back up plan when he took me off all the medication with the words 'well, I'd like to keep you on it for longer as it hasn't fixed the problem, but you're too young to be on these drugs for any longer.' Well I'm ASSUMING he had a back up plan, he told me to go back if the symptoms came back again so here I go....
So you see, I have what is uncommonly known as the Summer Hotel Blues, these are like the Winter Blues but they occur when the weather is nice enough for total shut down of sinus function due to Hayfever and when you have to spend your nights in a hotel by yourself with too much time to think about how your body is your enemy and WHY DOES IT NOT KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION?!! As you struggle to sit down for any length of time without horrific stabbing pains in your lower back, now can you see why I need a job wher I don't have to drive so much? Driving is BAD.
Job interview on Monday, wish me luck.
So at the moment I feel a bit like I live on the moon and I'm watching everyone on earth getting on with things while I am paralysed up here, and this sinking feeling, like a lead weight pushing through my chest only gets worse and I don't know what to do.
Reasons I am feeling a touch rubbish recently are few but significant (to me anyway), the house is coming along nicely but just seems to have taken over my life, it's all I think about when I'm not working, it's all I talk about and it's the reason I have no money. I am being attacked by the Hay Fever Fairy, who refuses to go away, the sun only has to shine through a haze of black cloud and my nose siezes up, my eyelids swell up and shut down and I CAN'T STOP SNEEZING, please, enough of this, it's so gross! And the endometriosis is back, ah we thought we had got rid of it for good (actually I remember my consultant telling me quite clearly that the only thing that was ever going to get rid of it for good was one of those baby things, but hey ho! They don't call it denial for nothing) I am resistant to the baby idea, what with that involving, you know, HAVING A BABY, so I am going to see that nice consultant man again in the hope that he had some kind of back up plan when he took me off all the medication with the words 'well, I'd like to keep you on it for longer as it hasn't fixed the problem, but you're too young to be on these drugs for any longer.' Well I'm ASSUMING he had a back up plan, he told me to go back if the symptoms came back again so here I go....
So you see, I have what is uncommonly known as the Summer Hotel Blues, these are like the Winter Blues but they occur when the weather is nice enough for total shut down of sinus function due to Hayfever and when you have to spend your nights in a hotel by yourself with too much time to think about how your body is your enemy and WHY DOES IT NOT KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION?!! As you struggle to sit down for any length of time without horrific stabbing pains in your lower back, now can you see why I need a job wher I don't have to drive so much? Driving is BAD.
Job interview on Monday, wish me luck.
So at the moment I feel a bit like I live on the moon and I'm watching everyone on earth getting on with things while I am paralysed up here, and this sinking feeling, like a lead weight pushing through my chest only gets worse and I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
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