No leather undies this year... Goddamnit it!

Christmas is a funny time of year. On the one hand you get, you know, loads of cool stuff, which is awesome (and my stuff was very cool this year, including the food processor to end all food processors with which I will process much food and force my friends and family to eat it while saying "this comes fron Kenwood, where they make make great electric things with which chop, and slice, and blend..." and my friend and family will be very bored and wish for me to SHUT UP), and there is all the food you get to eat and not feel guilty about, which is a massive bonus because food for me always comes hand in hand with a large helping of guilt. Then on the the other hand, there's all the family you have to spend time with which you wouldn't ordinarily spend that much time with, and certain people who will remain nameless spend it hung over, texting their friends and shooting you disgusted glances because they CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE EVEN STILL ALIVE, YOU ARE SO POINTLESS (I'm not naming names, no siree, I will not even be drawn on what relationship she is to me MY SISTER AIMEE, Oh whoops! Did I just type that?).

Glenn bought me the most beautiful coat, and a jacket (see how well he knows me, he co-ordinated the presents by season! Can you say "OCD is contagious"? Can you?), and the new Madonna CD, and he framed a photo of us and a photo of my family, which was incredible sweet (although it means I have a large photo of my head in a frame and a large photo of Demon Sister).

My parents out did themselves this year, traditionally they go a little crazy on the presents, my sister and I have woken up on Christmas morning to piles and piles of presents for as long as I can remember and this year was no different. except this year Glenn also got a stack of presents (to my absolute disgust, THEY COULD HAVE SPENT THAT MONEY ON ME!). My mother has a history of buying me slightly bizarre presents though, my first year at uni she said all my gifts were going to be practical, and I though that would be cool, I would get a nice bag, or a coat, what I did not expect was to open 150 individually wrapped tampons, no, that I was not expecting, but that is what she did. The next year she said she was going along a more fun route, and she bought me a leather mini skirt, two basques with matching thongs and suspender belts, thanks for that mom, about that career I'm supposed to be finding for myself? Think I may be going down a slightly different than you seem to be envisaging for me......

So since The Year Of The Tampon and The Year Of The How-To-Be-A-Hooker Gift Set, I have been wary of the present pile, but the woman, she did good! She pretty much got me everything for my kitchen that I hadn't got but also hadn't thought about getting, casserole dishes (sorry, what was that? I don't make casseroles? I Don't know WHAT you mean.......), serving spoons, a cake slice and I know that it all sounds very dull but you don't even realise you need these things until you stand there with a large chocolate cake, six people round the table and only a paring knife with which to serve it. And there were clothes and make up and suff too so she could say that she personalised it.

Dinner was fabulous, I'm not going to list what it was because I bet you had your own fabulous meal and everybody always thinks that they/their mom/their dad/their grandma/their guardian/adopted... oh for christs sake... cooks the best dinner, but I'm telling you, you have not eaten until you have eaten Christmas Dinner with Ma Davis, she might not consume food herself (Good God no!), but she sure knows how to cook it!

So I suppose I should mention Jesus, or the poor, or I should add a senstive poem or something, and I totally would but the thing is, Christmas for me is just a time to be happy and to see people who you don't normally see. I give to charity every month, on Christmas day we take a walk along the river in Stratford and give alcohol to homeless people (see how nice we are?!) and I subscribe to things and I care (I might not sound like I do, but I do, those TV appeal things make me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME) but I think the constant, preachy, ram it down your throat approach makes more people switch off than switch on. Everyone has their own personal demons, relatively speaking everyone suffers the same pain, we just get through each obstacle the best we can, so Christmas for me, is about recognising it, then putting it to one side and having a good time.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and that you have a great New Year, I hope that 2006 fixes all the things that were wrong with 2005 but makes all the good things greater.

And my personal gift to you all is this - ANTONY DZERYN CRIED DURING KING KONG! I SAW HIM! HE'S A BIG GIRLY GIRL!!!! ANTONY - BIG CRYING GIRL! hee hee!

Christmas Thanks

Dear friends and colleagues,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel special and bringing many a smile to my face.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. And i no longer drink CocaCola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Or sit in cinema seats for the same reason. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. Or if I did survive the shops I would be grabbed, raped and murdered by a nasty man in the car park. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

However, I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you I have learnt that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). In fact, I no longer have any money at all but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour ! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's, ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's, cousin's beautician. Only then will you be able to enjoy the festive season with your special friends and family and prepare well for the new year.

Oh, and Have a nice day !

Best wishes for the festive season

Not a great role model

So I got home today to lots of Christmas cards, which was lovely, and almost all of them said something about having a great Christmas in our new home, which is really lovely.

Then I opened one which chilled me through my skin, into my heart and attacked my very soul....

It was addressed to 'Uncle Glenn and...... Auntie Hannah'

Holy Fuckin' shit, I appear to be an Auntie, how the bollocking fuck did that happen?

Thought of the Day

Never pluck your eyebrows when you're drunk, and have poor light.

Baaaaaad things can happen.

It's all the carrots.

Conversation in my bedroom last night, I had just set the alarm on my phone and turned off the bedside lamp.

Me; Hey, I can see really clearly, you know normally the light goes off and I can't see a thing but I can see everything.

Him; That's because the light is still on your phone so it's lighting up the room.

Me; Oh.

Him; Wait a minute, did you think you had, like, magic eyes or something.

Me; Course not.

Him; You did! You thought you had magic eyes!

Me; I did no such thing.

Him; leaning over me, Ooooh, I can see everything, your eyes and your teeth, and THE FUTURE!

Me; rolling away You are not very nice.

Him; I'M A SUPERHERO! WITH MAGIC SEE IN THE DARK EYES!

Me; I hate you.

Him; You love me.

Me; I hate you.

Him; You and your magic eyes LOVE me.

Me; SLEEPING NOW.

Him; Goodnight Baby.

Me; Arsehole.

Gareth Coombes

The man can be a little harsh sometimes, he's the kind of person who every so often, just ocassionally, you have to just hold yourself in check and say 'it's ok, he doesn't really mean it, he's just being funny', and this is the truth, I have no doubt.

Sometimes I have a hard time getting along with people who are very similar to me because the sarcasm and constant piss taking gets in the way, but I find that as long as everyone has their cards on the table, and says ok, I don't mean it, you're just going to have to understand that because I am not going to run after you and hold your hand while you tell me how horrible I am because I said something that went too far, I'll say sorry don't get me wrong but God knows I'll only say it once, then it's cool.

Basically all I really wanted to say is that he is a funny, funny man, and he doesn't have a blog, but if he did, I would read it, and I would link to it, and I would tell everyone about it, and he would win a prize, and that prize would possibly be lots of DVD's about rugby, or some pork chops, ar a large helping of Boob Of Liz, but believe me, he gets a lot of that anyway, so I guess he doesn't require that to be an actual prize, oh I know! His prize can be that I promise to tell Liz that she should never put tiger balm on his man bits, I discovered recently that you should never, ever put tiger balm on someone's man bits, apparently it makes them feel like they are dying, from the balls up, I don't know how a person could die from the balls up but there was lots of clutching of aforementioned balls and shouting of "MOTHERFUCKINGFISHSTICKGERONIMOCOCKBASTERDWHYWOULD
YOUDOTHISTOME?!".

This post was because the comment on the previous post made me laugh out loud unexpectedly, and because it was unexpected, I spat tea all over the desk in THE GAMES ROOM and so, because I am a great believer in giving lots of compliments (I am a stupendous giver, Stupendous. Giver.) then I just wanted to say that Gareth Coombes is a funny man.

Funny. Man.

Funny.

Now I have to throw Glenn out of the living room so I can watch something with the DELECTABLE David Tennant who is in love with me although he does not know it yet. One day David, one day.....

FOOS!!

Bonjour,

This morning I am writing to you from my study, no, sorry, I am writing to you from the games room (I was reprimanded on Saturday night for INSISTING ON CALLING IT THE STUDY WHEN WE HAD AN AGREEMENT AND IF I DON'T CALL IT THE GAMES ROOM HE WILL MOVE OUT SO HELP HIM), because I have the day off, days off are lovely, yesterday was a tremendous day made all the better by my waking up and knowing that it was not the last morning I could sleep in for a week, I had a whole other day to sleep in, ah lovely sleep.

Last night I full filled one of the things I have to do before I die and I saw Dave Grohl, there he was, stood right there, in the same room as me. (I know that there were about 10,000 other people there and that the room was the NEC, but stay with me) I was there, and he was there, and he was with the other Fighters that Foo and they were AWESOME. Just incredibly, totally brilliant.

They were supported by The Futureheads, who were very tight, a little repetitive, but I could not fault their tightness, as Glenn said, they were clearly brought up on a strict diet of The Clash, but hell, could be worse. I would say that on a summers day, they would make a more than adequate festival band, and that with a beer in hand, I could happily pass an hour listening to them.

But the Foo's (I can call them that because I know them now), they were stupendous, and the 15 year old inside me who was obsessed with Nirvana nearly passed out last night when he went a-drummin'.

So this morning, it's my day off and I am listening to Hey. Johnny Park and remembering how last night, Dave Grohl, Genius, sang this song only for me.

Men

You'd think they'd learn about the menstrual thing wouldn't you - its quite simple: once a month you have to be careful of me, but never ever mention why you are being careful of me, just do it, and without fail at some point during the week when the hormones are a pain in the arse, the man in your life is either a complete cock, or says "christ, its your hormones isn't it?", and it's not the hormones, cos when you look back less hormonal, they were still a cock.

(not written by me)

Reply to Very Girly Email (and by far my very favourite of all the emails I have received today)

I am worshipping you like a goddess as I email, in fact, I have a small altar set up on my desk, dedicated to you in a lots of candles and a photo of you and glenn torn in half so glenn is no longer visible shrine type way.

My hairdresser is called Bruce. It costs about £27-32 ish for a cut and blowdry i think. He oozes enthusiasm and gumption.

love, your biggest fan, me x

Very Girly Email (But before you roll your eyes like that, I'd just like to ask what the hell you expected, I mean I am in fact, A GIRL)

Alright Mrs Woman?

I have just this minute noticed that I missed a hair appointment last Saturday, I thought it was this Saturday at 11 and it wasn't, it was last Saturday, and I didn't remember, so I didn't go.

Anyway, thought this was the perfect opportunity to not go back to the woman who does my hair with half hearted resignation and find someone who, for a price that is around £30, will do my hair with enthusiasm and gumption, yes, gumption.

So what is the name of your hairdresser? Where is it? What does he charge (not including colour)? Will he have any weekend appointments before Christmas? Will he love and commit to my hair with all the energy of his fancy ass hairdresser being? If he will not, do you know anywhere that will?

These are important questions and they need answers, providing you are not terribly busy....

Love, me x

(Who by the way, has this morning bestowed genius like knowledge of Managment Information Systems upon the world and deserves to be WORSHIPPED LIKE THE GODDESS SHE IS)

Wasn't she lovely?

Everything is Illuminated

Please, please, please, if you are going to go and see the film, please read the book first, or even afterwards if you must, but please, please read the book either way. It's wonderful and from what I have seen about the film they have cut out all the best bit, the golden thread that runs through the novel, all the fantastical parts that make you laugh and cry at the same time.

Anyway, that's it, read the book, it's by Jonathan Safran Foer.

Writers block.

I have it.

That's why I put two book extracts on here, cause I can't think of a single thing to write.

Question - What do you get a 54 year old man for Christmas who has no hobbies and doesn't like music?