Italy or bust

After much deliberation, lots of research and a few tears, we have finally decided on a destination for The Hen Weekend To End All Hen Weekends, no Blackpool for us, we are going for the class, after all, why fall on your arse coming out of a cocktail bar in the rainy north when you can fall on your arse coming out of a cocktail bar somewhere just a little bit classier....?

So we discounted Reykjavic, Krakow, Riga, Bucharest, Prague and Budapest and have decided on what is quite possibly the most expensive and excessive of all city breaks - Florence.

I AM SO EFFIN EXCITED.

We are going to sit outside a cafe on a palazzo wearing overly large sunglasses, drinking champagne and talking about the Prada shoes I just bought for three goddam days.

Liz is going to attempt to teach me about classical art, I am going to pretend to learn stuff, then we are going to engage in some serious heavy drinking and forget how to pronounce 'art' while we choose whether to order four cocktails next or play it safe and just have three.

Oh I think I might have to shut myself in a dark room for weeks afterwards because seriously, how do you top that?! Man, I'm going to need some new clothes.....

Three reasons why all is not lost.

1. Last night, while having a strop born of tiredness and backache, Glenn told me to "get bent", just prior to stomping up the stairs, slamming the office door and playing champs for an hour. Love him.

2. The chocolate croissant that's left me feeling a little bit sick this morning, no, I shouldn't have eaten it, but yes, it was totally worth the calories.

3. The rumour currently circulating the office that I am shagging the principal in order to get the recently vacated position of Director of Information, a post that would be a career leap of approximately 15 years and £30,000. I am planning on doing nothing to dispel this rumour, it's the first work related thing to make me smile all week. Bring on the wrinkly lovin'!

It's like this.

We're walking, all of us, we start when we're born, we get carried because we're too little to do it ourselves and then bit by bit we are let go to walk upright alone, people join us, some fall away and mostly we have to do it alone. There's nothing wrong with this, it's what we all do.

When great things happen to us we run, we sprint along the road under a sky filled with electric blue, hot pink and primrose yellow.... we bathe in the colours and they make us feel warm, time flies (cliches are cliches because they are true) and we never feel tired, it's like we could run forever.

I have stood still, this is the only way I can describe how life is now, why I haven't written, why I feel nothing, because I have stood still, one day I just stopped walking and now I am still, waiting to walk, I can see everyone around me walking, running, and I smile and laugh, because they want me to? because I want to? because you want me to be like you, to walk with you, to share with the reasons you are running, trips to far flung countries, weddings, exotic locations, romantic aspirations, I see them, they are wonderful, but I stand apart, I can see your colours and your race to get there, but I watch the grey around me and can see no reason to move.

Is it shock? That's a theory I have heard, that I had some bad news and now I have boxed myself up, wrapped myself in thick mist and will not think of it, but to not think of that means to think of nothing because that is everything, the reason and the solution. I cannot avoid any of it, delay any of it, there is damage and pain and I feel nothing about it, I am apathetic, truly. I was waiting to be a mess, I usually am about such things but this time.... the sky is grey, and I have stood still.

Maybe I don't want to move again, maybe still is ok. The sky has been black before, and I have forced a path through but this time, I think I will stay here.

Still.