Telephone conversation with my mother, calling from the pool side at her villa dans la Spain.

First of all she spoke to Glenn and all I heard was;

Glenn: “Hello… Oh hi!... You alright? You’re having a nice time then?... Yeah I bet it is… URGH! Oh that’s just… I mean… Talk to Hannah, talk to Hannah”

So he passed the phone to me with a face like he’d just cleared the gunk out of the drain on the patio.

Me: Hi

Mum: Hello, it’s Mummy, how are you?

Me: I’m well thank you, are you having a nice time?

Mum: Yes, it’s beautiful here, and I’ve just told Glenn that your father is naked in the swimming pool.

Me: URGH! Mum! Well no wonder he’s having to hold back the wretching… Mum! We’ve got to get into that pool next week!!

Mum: Oh don’t worry, it gets cleaned every morning, and the filter system is on.

Me: I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHY THE FILTER SYSTEM IS IMPORTANT WHILE MY FATHER IS NAKED IN A SWIMMING POOL.

Mum: hee hee….

Take it like a woman.

I don’t really know how to write about having a flexible sigmoidoscopy. It is unpleasant, but then you could have guessed that, things are not meant to go up that orifice, only out, and certainly nothing is meant to go up there which is the length of a six seater dining table.

But go up there it did, and it had an audience of two nurses, an incredibly old consultant who I had never met before, and someone who appeared to be being trained on sticking things up arses. The very odd thing about the whole experience was that to be able to watch what the camera could see, the consultant needed the TV the scope was transmitting to directly in front of me, so I watched everything, from when the scope was switched on while it was still on the other side of the room, to when it was gliding towards my bottom, like a missile heading towards a fleshy target, to when it was cruising through my colon and around my large intestine. Truly, a film worth renting again.

The nurse did not offer me sedation, she said they were not going far up enough to justify it so my going through the whole thing without being sleepy is not quite as noble as perhaps you thought, however, the consultant decided to do it twice because the first time the air flow wasn’t working (the scope blows air as it travels so the pictures are clearer) and then to go as far as he could to get a proper examination. This means that he went much further than the nurse thought he would, and I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING SEDATED.

But I digress….. for those of you who may have to one day face a crusty old man shoving a cable up your bum, the only unpleasantness is as your stomach fills with air, but that is just like really bad wind, and simply means you have to sit in a room by yourself and fart it all out afterwards, and as the scope negotiates the turns in your intestine it’s quite painful, but it is temporary pain and as you can watch what’s happening on the TV you can see that nothing is wrong, that the pain you feel is nothing ripping or bleeding, that everything is fine, so it’s quite bearable really.

And everything really is fine, I have to admit to holding my breathe as I watched the screen, I was quite convinced that any second now the scope would show up a lesion and the whole humiliating experience was just the beginning, but no, there’s nothing, I’m clear in that department, so now I have nothing to worry about until the laparoscopy in October and I’ve had one before so I know exactly what to expect. It’s a piece of cake.

Now the enema, that was a WHOLE other story and you will NEVER be able to get me to talk about it.

Not. Ever.

Answerphone message left by my mum about two hours before 4 people stood and watched a 70yr old consultant insert 80cm of camera into my virgin anus

"Hello Hannah, it's Mummy... just phoning to say good luck for today, Now I've been thinking about it and I would say that sedation is mostly provided to old people, small children, and men, so you shouldn't have any, ok then? Love you."

So I didn't.

Remember what I said about a lack of dignity.....?

Got a letter from the hospital on Saturday, I have to have a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy on Thursday, as in this Thursday, I'm going to let you look that up to see what it is because the act of explaining it makes me feel sick.

I can choose whether or not to be sedated, can't make up my mind about that yet;

no sedation = 20 minutes of what looks to me like torture,

sedation = 24hr recovery period, can't go to work on Friday, can't drive, am miserable.

See if you can find some song lyrics about that.

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady.

Hold me closer tiny dancer

Count the headlights on the highway

Lay me down in sheets of linen

you had a busy day today