Hello healthy people! Jealous? Me? Noooo........

So Hi there! I did not die, not I did not, and that must be said, it must be repeated over and over because this convalesance thing is like an alternate slow death, one in which I make decisions to do stuff and then my body says noooo, no you will not do that, you will not do that at all...

Like yesterday, I got up at around 10, I tidied up a bit, watched a lo-hot of tv and then felt so bright and positive in the evening that I had a little dance in my kitchen to Stevie Wonder, and I felt good about that, so good in fact that I today I thought well get me, and my dancing, I'm going to go out! So I walked to the train station (Stevie on the Ipod for motivation), and took a train into town where Glenn and I had lunch and then I perused the sales. Then it started, the shaking, and the slightly cold feeling, and the horrible nagging voice in my head that said if I was not back lying on my bed within the hour then I would be lying on the floor at New St station and which do you prefer? huh? huh? which one?!

So I went home, and lay down, and finally, finally gave in to it.

Being sick sucks.

The operation lasted 4 hours, but blessed be my surgeon, he managed to do the whole thing through keyholes, rather than the large incision I was living in fear of and NO COLOSTOMY! DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD?! NO FUCKING COLOSTOMY!!!!

Lots of morphine though, I came back into the world after the operation and was adament that I had not had enough pain relief, I was convinced of it, so I kept asking for more and they kept telling me I'd had a lot and I kept asking for more and well, nobody wins that game. I was still asking for more when Glenn turned up and he held my hand and talked me through it until the Golden Hour when the morphine came back.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone's reading this anymore, I have been neglectful of my blog and I may never be forgiven, but the point is, I'm out the otherside and although I'm being stubborn and not taking it quite easy enough, I'm getting there.

I received five lots of flowers, an orchid, four boxes of chocolates, a tonne of cards, a package of all kinds of exciting stuff all the way from Australia and to top it all off, grapes.

Being sick maybe does not suck so much, no?

Many stories about excessive bleeding, uncontrollable vomiting, the auxillary nurse from hell, anti-biotics that taste like rotten eggs which surely were engineered by the nazi's and unexpected fevers to come, can you even contain your excitement? I thought not.

Conversation with an anaesthetist

Him: Do you remember the name of the anaesthetist who put you to sleep the last time you were here?

Me: No, but I do remember that he asked me if there was anything I enjoyed about having surgery, which I have to say, I thought was a little weird.

Him: Ha ha, yes we're sometimes a bit odd.

Me: Uh huh, you need to spend more time around people who are awake.

Happy Birthday Me!

Last week I humiliated myself in front of Richard Madeley, this week, I spent two days working on the island that looked straight out of the wicker man.

Looks like 26 is going to be a weird one.

Work Conversation, no really, this was at work...

The phone rings, so I pick it up...

Me: Hello

Him: Hello is that Hannah?

Me: Yes, can I help you?

Him: This is C from XXX, I emailed you yesterday about whether you can get involved in a project we're doing at Y but you haven't responded.

Me: No, I'm sorry I didn't get it until late last night and I'm actually working on the isle of wight today so I'm a little busy.

Him; Yes, I know where you are, I rang R and found out.

Me: Oh

Him: So can you attend a meeting on the 9th?

Me: I'm afraid that's a little short notice as today is the 8th and I have to be somewhere else tomorrow. Also, I'm actually going off work for about 8 weeks next week so if this project is getting off the ground earlier than that you might want to look for someone else.

Him: Are you having a hysterectomy?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: Are. you. having. a. hysterectomy?

Me: Er, no.

Him; My wife's just had one.

Me: Right, I see, I'm er, sorry about that... but I'm not having one.

Him: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, quite sure.

Him: Women's things though is it?

Me: It's personal.

Him: Right, well I'll see when we were looking for you to get involved and let you know.

Me: Ok, right, thanks.

Him: Bye

Me: Bye.

Me: Fucking lunatic.

Crazy, and I know I absolutely did not take any drugs last night..... or did I?

Last night I dreamt that I lived in a commune with my boyfriend who in my dream was a man that I work with, we'll call him Ricky, because that is his name.

Anyway, the commune was this big old victorian mansion and I went out for a walk, where upon I was attacked by my ex-boyfriend who in my dream was my ex-boyfriend, we'll call him Dave, because that is his name. I see him crossing the front garden and I try and hide behind a tree but he sees me and runs towards me screaming "You think you can break up with me with a note? A NOTE?! I've been waiting for this for four years you bitch!",

Incidentally, I did not break up with him with a note, I broke up with him over the phone and then ignored his calls for 3 months so I wouldn't have to deal with him, I'm nice like that.

So he pushes me into a hedge and someone in the hedge grabs my shoulders so I can't move and he's hitting me and screaming at me, and it's then that I notice Phil Mitchell is lying next to me bleeding from a shotgun wound to the stomach and looking very pale. I look over and Ricky is calling the police from his hiding place which is on top of a rotary washing line in the middle of the front garden, and all these police cars come screaming up the drive. Someone pulls Dave off me and I shout "Phil! Someone has to help Phil Mitchell! He's been shot", but when I look down Phil Mitchell's not there anymore but I can see that the person who grabbed my shoulders in the hedge is a woman half sticking out of a crashed car and was just trying to get me to help her.

The End

I may never go sleep again.