My boyfriend the genius

Glenn's doing a course, he joined his firm as an administrator (that's how all the greatest minds start out by the way), and pretty soon they asked him to hop on the graduate train, destination Career Land (was that too cheesy? Possibly....).

There is a price to pay for this opportunity and it's two years of study alongside his full-time job (graduate surveyor), and his part-time job (putting up with me). Once a month our house is a little terrace of tension (again with the cheese, what's wrong with me?!) as he completes assignments in time for deadlines set in stone.

A couple of weeks ago was one such weekend, on the Sunday he locked himself in the study and hammered away at an assignment that seemed to baffle him. I kept myself to myself, I have long since learned that Glenn does not want to talk to anyone, no one can help him, the best and only thing you can do is stay away and bring him the ocassional cup of tea and a hobnob. Sometimes even this annoys him, so it's best just to stay away, and this was one such day. I stayed downstairs, cleaning and watching Grey's Anatomy re-runs (ah, twas a nearly perfect day), and then suddenly he bursts into the living room;

Him: I can't do it!!

Me: Sorry?

Him: I don't get it! I can't do it! I'm going to FAIL

Me: Is there anyone on the course you can talk to?

Him: The VLE is down, there's no one

For those of you not in the know, you're very lucky, and VLE is Virtual Learning Environment

Me: Anyone from work you can talk to?

Him: No, anyway, I have to do this on my own.

Me: Ok... clutching at straws but desperate to be helpful... what about my dad?! He knows loads of stuff about stuff!

Him: I can't call your Dad! You don't understand, I will FAIL, FAIL, The ENTIRE course. Honestly! Talking to you is USELESS!

And he slammed the door and stormed off upstairs mumbling something incoherant.

So he submits the assignment the following morning, and the results arrived today.

Best Marks Yet, I just want to say that again, BEST MARKS YET. The boy is stunning, ridiculous and stunning. The marking tutor wrote "a good assignment with a well presented and detailed take-off- well done!".

Just awesome, and totally worth telling the world about.

Or at least the 9 people who read this.

Totally blagging it, every single day.

Last week my boss told me to go away and put together a business case so that the powers that be will pay for me to do a masters in something possibly IT related, this week I had the following email conversation:

Lecturer:

Another Hectic day in MIS land i guess ..... Oh the life of a high powered MIS type consultant.
I was trying to sort out a few arty pictures of young lads for the older members of my teaching team who struggle to put a name to a face......
BUT as you already know the MIS rogues gallery is not live yet - hard to believe i know ....BUT TRUE !
Any idea how long i need to wait ?? Are you the right person to hassel ??
If not SORRY for bothering you with this small trivial issue.....enjoy another coffee and please keep the music and laughter down!

Me:

I am indeed incredibly busy with the rock and roll lifestyle we MIS consultants like to maintain but have taken a few precious moments out of my day to tell you that the rogues gallery IS live. I am lucky enough to be able to see all faces of the many learners this college have welcomed through the disinfectant, some photographs I was pleased to be exposed to, others not so much...
You will, I'm afraid, have to brave the IT helpdesk as if I can see it then there's something up with your machine, are the gerbils still running in the little wheels?
Would help if I could, I think it's a problem many of you poor, unappreciated and neglected teaching staff are suffering...

Lecturer:

Unfortunately one of the gerbils currently has bad feet ...... possibly as a result of too much exposure to disinfectant. He has been told to rest and that he may need two weeks off. As a result the remaining gerbil is doing his best but due to fatigue the wheels are spinning very slowly...... So i am off to the IT helpdesk again!
This time i am not going to leave until they have given me either a gerbil jump lead or a pair of brand new gerbils.....Unfortunately as you have spotted i am not the only lecturer with broken or underpower gerbils at the present.
Enough ..... your door is closed again today ........... enjoy the coffee morning!!

Eight Legged Freaks

Why is it that you can go months and months without seeing a single spider, and then, out of nowhere, there are spiders the size of dinner plates in your bath. There they are every morning, but you never get used to them, so every morning, and every evening, I walk into the bathroom, glance around and then THERE IT IS, bloated, hairy and sitting in my bath, or in the sink, or, as Glenn found once, attached to the towel hanging from the cabinet, oh the screaming.

So if it's evening, I can just shout for Glenn, like this; "GLENNGLENNGLENNGLENNFUCKINGSPIDERINTHEBATHGETITGETITGETIT!"

However, this morning, it was 5am and I didn't really want to wake him, so, bravely, I grabbed the shower head from the wall and blasted the hideous beast down the drain. I left the room to get something, I returned and HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK I watched it crawl back out of the drain. I had left the shower head in the bath though, oh stupid me, so I had to pick it back up from it's position directly next to the spider and blast said spider back down the drain, I left the shower on and stepped into the bath, I washed my hair and showered and I never took my eyes off the drain.

It's not fooling me twice, evil spawn.

Any idea's about how to get rid of them for good? Remembering that we're not in Australia so while it is true that these spiders pose no threat to my continued existence, neither can we call exterminator type bodies to kill them off.

Email to Oz

Hello gorgeous!

Glenn is scouting backpacks, he wants a backpack with wheels (I WONDER WHERE HE GOT THAT IDEA FROM??!!), and he's just bought a 6 man tent because we're off to a party next weekend that we have to camp for, I wanted to hire a VW camper but he decided, in that manly way, that we just needed a bigger tent. I think we need a bigger tent and some sort of bungalow but I have been outvoted. Maybe a six person tent will be better, cross your fingers...

Have I told you how much he loves the hat? I think I did but just in case, HE REALLY LOVES THE HAT, he was wearing it while he ate a curry and little bit splashed up onto the hat and I thought he was going to have a heart attack, the hat recovered nicely but I think he learnt a lesson in when it is appropriate to where the hat and when it is not; Australian outback? Yes... Birmingham curry house? No...

And you're all packed! How exciting! not long to go now, in fact there is 9 weeks until we leave the miserable old UK, I know because I have a count down in my diary, 9 weeks until Hong Kong, and Australia, and me dragging you to bridal shops and making you try on the most revolting dresses in the shop BECAUSE I CAN. At leat Ant is going to make it feel like a holiday again, and the weather sounds like it's hotting up! It's just getting colder here, shouldn't complain though, think of all the starving children in africa, they'd give anything for a bit of drizzle.

Yeah, we haven't booked anything yet, lots of time though, but we really should do it, it'll be November before we know it and if we miss the boat we'll be furious...

I have to go to the British Masters Golf Tournament at the Belfry on Saturday, Glenn got free tickets from work, they're supposed to be £139 each and I've been told I should be very excited but... It's fucking golf d'you know what I mean? Unless you can think of any hot golfers I can perve at while swigging the free champagne from the tournament sponsors (MOET!! YES!!) in inappropriate heels (and I think I want that entire last sentance on my tombstone please), then I'm stuffed. Just keep thinking about the champagne tent... and the Pimms tent... and the gin tent...

I'll get over the PM business, one day they'll see the light but as someone said to me while I was having a moan about it, if they pay peanuts then they'll get monkey's, so hopefully they employed some 19yr old for 15k and right about now they're crying softly and whispering my name...

I had my appraisal yesterday and I totally rock, the word my boss used was 'exemplary', so I am appreciated, I'm researching a masters that I want to do that they might pay for if I put together a business case and I have asked for a payrise, you don't ask you don't get!
I still have little surprise for you pair at home, got them all now, I just need to remember to POST THEM, you know what I'm like though, useless!!

Love and miss you, give a sloppy kiss to cousin IT for me.

Hxxxxxxxxxxxx

Something to celebrate

So.... My sister passed her driving test! Woo Hoo! And before anyone says "it's about bloody time", we're not going to look at the negative, we're going to emphasise the positive. She passed first time, with no minor faults, and she's the proud owner of a little fiesta, which she will now use to terrorise the nation.

She arrived at my house at about 9pm, in aforementioned fiesta, on the brink of tears:

Me: what's the matter?

Her: Oh my god, oh my god! The light's on the car don't work, I mean they work but they're not bright enough, they don't light anything up! I just drove here in the dark and I nearly pulled over on the dual carriageway because I couldn't see anything! Thought I was going to die, I nearly called you, oh god, I have to get home in that thing, bloody hell, I can't believe I've bought it and the light's don't work properly!

Me: The light's aren't bright enough.

Her: I just said that!

Me: How many turns did you make on the stalk when you turned them on?

Her: I DON'T KNOW!

Me: Because if it was just one, I think I know what the problem is...

And yes, she'd only got the sidelights on, but hey! We learnt something from his, we learnt that a person can pass their test with no knowledge of how to operate headlights.

We also learnt that we should avoid black fiesta's.

Some days you leave work having accomplished, and others you leave work having driven a 'colleague' to unemployment.

I’m working with a man who is new, who has no knowledge of the sector we work in, who arrives late and leaves early and is paid 15k more than me, this is not new information, I have been ranting about this for a couple of months now.

Today, after a long, long week at work, I am sat at my desk trying to fix something that does not want to be fixed. I am mumbling the message that the application keeps throwing at me under my breath to try and understand how to fix it, I am mumbling “L14 must be an integer…”.

New, inexperienced and overpaid man is standing next to me waiting for something to print, he is looking at the screen and listening to my mumbles, he taps me on the shoulder, he cocks his head to the side and, in a slow voice, as if he’s talking to his two year old, he says “an integer is a number”.

I look back at the screen, I look at new and overpaid man, I look back at the screen, I feel three months of frustration and resentment rise in my chest and I look back at him.

I shout “I KNOW WHAT A FUCKING INTEGER IS”.

I look back at the screen and say “The problem is that L14 IS an integer and I don't understand why the system can't see it, you patronising arse”.

New, inexperienced and overpaid man sits down, my boss leans over from his position at the end of the desk and says “she has an English degree, she knows what words mean.”

New, inexperienced and overpaid man resigns.

revenge

Some say happiness is the best revenge, others say it is finding out that a girl you hated for making your life miserable all through school recently married someone widely acknowledged to be a raving homosexual.

Conversation with my sister

Her: Oooooh, that jacket's nice

Me: Thank you!

Her: Where's it from?

Me: Florence

Her: And Fred?

Me: Really? really? Not Tesco, Italy...

Her: Oh, ha ha!

Me: Do you know about Italy? It's in Europe.. Do you remember about Europe? We're in Europe..

Her: Yes thank you!

Me: Just checking.