Last night;
I leave Glenn and move into a ground floor flat by the sea with Ashley Cole, Ashley and I are very happy together, even though my mother is sat in the corner of the flat repeating "Glenn is a lovely boy" over and over again. I walk out of the flat to go shopping and someone shoots me in the back, I fall to the floor and realise I am paralysed. Ashley Cole comes out of the flat, throws a blanket over me and runs away. My mother comes out of the flat, she leans down to where I am lying on the floor and says, "what's it like? Being shot?", and I say, "it's like being punched really hard", and then I watch as she walks away down the street, feeling the blood pool underneath me.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
I think at the next hen party, they should medicate me.
So yeah, Saturday night was Tina's hen party (see Moch's page for pictures), and we went out in Worcester dressed as Disney characters, or at least as close to our allocated character as we could get. I had been given Jessie (that's the cowgirl from Toy Story 2 in case you were thinking 'who the hell...?'), so not the most obvious character. There was Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, Snow White, Tigger, Piglet, Eeyore.... and Jessie.
However, I soon realised I had lucked out, as everyone else was buying wigs and little bags and wrapping tails around themselves, I put on a Stetson and was off! Nice. Not so nice when a man tried to take it off my head later on, not realising it was tied round my neck and very nearly garroting me in the process, but you know, it could have been worse.
I didn't really know anyone there apart from Moch and Tina, and I realised I was with a very different crowd to the girls I normally go out with when they told me it was a Disney theme, not that the girls I normally go out with are hard core ravers or anything, but our themes have in the past been 'naughty school girls', or 'naughty nurses', I'm sure that if the theme had been 'naughty disney characters' I would have felt more at home, but I was prepared to take the action up to the next level if the night was as tame as the theme suggested it was going to be.
No need for that as it turned out, Tina apparently loves a good pole dance as much as anyone I've been out with before.
I'm not sure I made a great impression though, there was a card going round for us to sign with our thoughts about the night, so that Tina could read it the next morning and remember her hen party. I had had a little too much to drink I think and didn't really understand, so while everyone else wrote 'have a great night!', or 'you're great Tina!', or 'looking forward to the wedding!', I wrote;
'I saw you dancing with that bald man, you filthy whore'.
However, I soon realised I had lucked out, as everyone else was buying wigs and little bags and wrapping tails around themselves, I put on a Stetson and was off! Nice. Not so nice when a man tried to take it off my head later on, not realising it was tied round my neck and very nearly garroting me in the process, but you know, it could have been worse.
I didn't really know anyone there apart from Moch and Tina, and I realised I was with a very different crowd to the girls I normally go out with when they told me it was a Disney theme, not that the girls I normally go out with are hard core ravers or anything, but our themes have in the past been 'naughty school girls', or 'naughty nurses', I'm sure that if the theme had been 'naughty disney characters' I would have felt more at home, but I was prepared to take the action up to the next level if the night was as tame as the theme suggested it was going to be.
No need for that as it turned out, Tina apparently loves a good pole dance as much as anyone I've been out with before.
I'm not sure I made a great impression though, there was a card going round for us to sign with our thoughts about the night, so that Tina could read it the next morning and remember her hen party. I had had a little too much to drink I think and didn't really understand, so while everyone else wrote 'have a great night!', or 'you're great Tina!', or 'looking forward to the wedding!', I wrote;
'I saw you dancing with that bald man, you filthy whore'.
Are you sitting comfortably......?
One day, as Chicken Licken was walking along an acorn fell on his head, “oh my”, said chicken licken, “the sky is falling in, I must go and tell the king”.
So chicken Licken set off. On the way, he met Henny Penny and Cocky Locky, “I am going to tell the king the sky is falling”, said Chicken Licken, “then we shall come to!” said Henny Penny and Cocky Locky. So Chicken Licken and Henny Penny and Cocky Locky set off to find the king.
On the way, they met Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey, “where are you going off to?” they asked, “The sky is falling in!” cried Chicken Licken, “and we are going to tell the king”, “then we shall come too” said Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey. So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey set off to find the king.
On the way they met Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey (who were crying about the lack of imagination that went into naming them all), “where are you going off to?” they asked, “The sky is falling in!” cried Chicken Licken, “and we are going to tell the king”, “then we shall come too” said Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey. So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey set off to find the king.
On the way they met a fox, “Where are you going?” he asked, “the sky is falling and we are going to tell the king!” they cried, “then follow me” said Foxy Loxy, “I know the way”.
So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey followed Foxy Loxy, but he led them to his den and his family ate them for dinner, so all those foolish birds never did get to see the king, but then the sky didn’t fall in either!”
So chicken Licken set off. On the way, he met Henny Penny and Cocky Locky, “I am going to tell the king the sky is falling”, said Chicken Licken, “then we shall come to!” said Henny Penny and Cocky Locky. So Chicken Licken and Henny Penny and Cocky Locky set off to find the king.
On the way, they met Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey, “where are you going off to?” they asked, “The sky is falling in!” cried Chicken Licken, “and we are going to tell the king”, “then we shall come too” said Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey. So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky and Drakey Lakey set off to find the king.
On the way they met Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey (who were crying about the lack of imagination that went into naming them all), “where are you going off to?” they asked, “The sky is falling in!” cried Chicken Licken, “and we are going to tell the king”, “then we shall come too” said Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey. So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey set off to find the king.
On the way they met a fox, “Where are you going?” he asked, “the sky is falling and we are going to tell the king!” they cried, “then follow me” said Foxy Loxy, “I know the way”.
So Chicken Licken, Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey followed Foxy Loxy, but he led them to his den and his family ate them for dinner, so all those foolish birds never did get to see the king, but then the sky didn’t fall in either!”
Friday, May 19, 2006
Living out the fantasy of literally thousands of women.
I was in my last year at university during the last world cup, and all the England games managed to clash with graduation/end of year events, in particular, the end of year ball.
The lads got into their tuxedos at about midday and headed off to the pub to watch England vs. Argentina, they urged us to do the same, but instead we spent the day getting everything organised, getting cars ready, going to the hairdressers, last minute shopping, picking up flowers, debating whether underwear was required, squeezing into dresses, and it was all a giant pain in the arse, but I would still have rather been doing that, than watching the football.
So this leads me to Wednesday night, and a row with Glenn that got so horrible I ended up lying awake at 3.30am, looking at him passed out drunk next to me, thinking about where I could go if I just threw some clothes in a bag and left.
It really doesn’t matter what the row was about, I’m not going to talk about that now because a) it's nobodies business but ours and b) it was totally Glenn’s fault, and the problem with telling someone about a row that was completely one person’s fault is that the person you are telling always thinks ‘well that’s fine, but it’s just her side of the story and she’s not perfect, so it must have been at least a little bit her fault’, and you see, this time, for possibly the first and last time, it was not, in any way, my fault.
It was so not my fault, that yesterday, Glenn missed football so he could come straight home and sort things out, he bought me flowers from Marks and Spencer, a ‘Sorry’ card and a choice…
He is SO sorry, I can choose either of the following;
a) he will never drink again
or
b) he will only watch the football matches in the world cup that I want to watch.
Now we weren’t together during the last world cup, so he had no idea when he made this offer that I don’t care about the world cup any more than I care about any other football match that is ever played, anywhere, at any time, ever.
This gives you some idea of just how bad this row was, just how sorry he is, and just how much making up he has to do.
It’s really kind of a false promise, we all know that I wouldn’t pick option A because I like a glass of wine as much as the next person, and occasionally, I like to get so drunk my eyes cease to function in any useful way, I have difficulties remembering my name and sometimes I try on wedding dresses and launch myself out of windows. So that leaves me with no choice but to choose option B, and the problem with that is seeing it through, I mean there is genuinely not a single match that I have any desire to see, except possibly the final, and only then if England are in it, and probably then only the first and last 20 minutes.
I think really, it all comes down to how upset I am about Wednesday night, am I so upset that the feeling will last and no, there will be no world cup in our house and no, he can’t go and watch it anywhere else because I get to say what he can and can’t watch and I say no…?
… or, am I secretly a nicer person than you think I am, and will let it go and make sure he gets to watch the football he wanted to.
I have a feeling he thinks the latter, and although I’m sure he meant the gesture, he doesn’t think I’ll see it through…
… except that could backfire on him, because that could make me even more determined to make him pay…
Imagine, England win the world cup in 2006, and Glenn doesn’t get to see it because one night a couple of months before the final, he was so evil I got to ban it with no objection….
Wow.
Questions:
1. Am I that nice, or that evil?
2. How much is Glenn regretting a) Wednesday night and b) ever thinking that the flowers wouldn't be enough?
The lads got into their tuxedos at about midday and headed off to the pub to watch England vs. Argentina, they urged us to do the same, but instead we spent the day getting everything organised, getting cars ready, going to the hairdressers, last minute shopping, picking up flowers, debating whether underwear was required, squeezing into dresses, and it was all a giant pain in the arse, but I would still have rather been doing that, than watching the football.
So this leads me to Wednesday night, and a row with Glenn that got so horrible I ended up lying awake at 3.30am, looking at him passed out drunk next to me, thinking about where I could go if I just threw some clothes in a bag and left.
It really doesn’t matter what the row was about, I’m not going to talk about that now because a) it's nobodies business but ours and b) it was totally Glenn’s fault, and the problem with telling someone about a row that was completely one person’s fault is that the person you are telling always thinks ‘well that’s fine, but it’s just her side of the story and she’s not perfect, so it must have been at least a little bit her fault’, and you see, this time, for possibly the first and last time, it was not, in any way, my fault.
It was so not my fault, that yesterday, Glenn missed football so he could come straight home and sort things out, he bought me flowers from Marks and Spencer, a ‘Sorry’ card and a choice…
He is SO sorry, I can choose either of the following;
a) he will never drink again
or
b) he will only watch the football matches in the world cup that I want to watch.
Now we weren’t together during the last world cup, so he had no idea when he made this offer that I don’t care about the world cup any more than I care about any other football match that is ever played, anywhere, at any time, ever.
This gives you some idea of just how bad this row was, just how sorry he is, and just how much making up he has to do.
It’s really kind of a false promise, we all know that I wouldn’t pick option A because I like a glass of wine as much as the next person, and occasionally, I like to get so drunk my eyes cease to function in any useful way, I have difficulties remembering my name and sometimes I try on wedding dresses and launch myself out of windows. So that leaves me with no choice but to choose option B, and the problem with that is seeing it through, I mean there is genuinely not a single match that I have any desire to see, except possibly the final, and only then if England are in it, and probably then only the first and last 20 minutes.
I think really, it all comes down to how upset I am about Wednesday night, am I so upset that the feeling will last and no, there will be no world cup in our house and no, he can’t go and watch it anywhere else because I get to say what he can and can’t watch and I say no…?
… or, am I secretly a nicer person than you think I am, and will let it go and make sure he gets to watch the football he wanted to.
I have a feeling he thinks the latter, and although I’m sure he meant the gesture, he doesn’t think I’ll see it through…
… except that could backfire on him, because that could make me even more determined to make him pay…
Imagine, England win the world cup in 2006, and Glenn doesn’t get to see it because one night a couple of months before the final, he was so evil I got to ban it with no objection….
Wow.
Questions:
1. Am I that nice, or that evil?
2. How much is Glenn regretting a) Wednesday night and b) ever thinking that the flowers wouldn't be enough?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Conversation
T: putting down the phone She just called me Chicken lickin’
Me: Who did?
T: J, she just called me Chicken Lickin’
Me: That’s because she’s mental and a bit weird.
T: What the fuck does chicken lickin’ mean?
Me: Oh my aunty used to call me that, it’s that story, you know, an acorn fell on his head and he thought the sky was falling so he went to tell the king and blah blah blah
T: Oh yeah! I’d forgotten about Chicken Lickin’, I used to read it to my little sister,
K: joining in I hated the end
Me: Eh?
K: You know, when he gets eaten
T: Yeah, that’s sad
Me: Sorry what? Chicken Lickin’ gets what now?
T and K: Eaten
Me: Uh, no he doesn’t.
K: Yeah he does.
Me: No, he tells his friends and then they explain about gravity and they tell him that, see, the sky is in fact, not falling, and he goes home feeling much better about the situation.
K and T: laughing No! He gets eaten!
K: He finds Henny Penny and Goosy Lucy and Cock Lock (and ha ha to that by the way), and they go to tell the king that the sky is falling but they come to a river and Foxy Loxy has to help them, so they get on his back but the river is rising so they get on his nose and the river is still getting deep, so they get in his mouth and he eats them!
B: shouting from an ajoining office No! That’s the ginger bread man!
Me: See! He doesn’t get eaten! It’s a clever story that teaches us about gravity!
B: No, he does get eaten, just not like that, I think Foxy Loxy tricks them into going back to his house or something and…
Me: Well, that’s not right, Foxy Loxy never had a house.
K: Ok, so Foxy Loxy doesn’t have a house, but he does know enough to teach Chicken Lickin’ about gravity, is that what you’re saying?
Me: I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, I do know that I have to have a conversation with my Aunt though, if you’re all so sure that it’s a brutal tale of Chicken slaughter and not an educational science story about gravity, then I think she may have twisted the ending somewhere along the line...
K: Definitely, my daughter loves the bit where Chicken Lickin’ gets eaten, I taught her to make snapping noises when he gets gobbled up.
Me: And your daughter is how old?
K: 18 months.
Me: You’re a terrible mother.
K: I know.
Me: Who did?
T: J, she just called me Chicken Lickin’
Me: That’s because she’s mental and a bit weird.
T: What the fuck does chicken lickin’ mean?
Me: Oh my aunty used to call me that, it’s that story, you know, an acorn fell on his head and he thought the sky was falling so he went to tell the king and blah blah blah
T: Oh yeah! I’d forgotten about Chicken Lickin’, I used to read it to my little sister,
K: joining in I hated the end
Me: Eh?
K: You know, when he gets eaten
T: Yeah, that’s sad
Me: Sorry what? Chicken Lickin’ gets what now?
T and K: Eaten
Me: Uh, no he doesn’t.
K: Yeah he does.
Me: No, he tells his friends and then they explain about gravity and they tell him that, see, the sky is in fact, not falling, and he goes home feeling much better about the situation.
K and T: laughing No! He gets eaten!
K: He finds Henny Penny and Goosy Lucy and Cock Lock (and ha ha to that by the way), and they go to tell the king that the sky is falling but they come to a river and Foxy Loxy has to help them, so they get on his back but the river is rising so they get on his nose and the river is still getting deep, so they get in his mouth and he eats them!
B: shouting from an ajoining office No! That’s the ginger bread man!
Me: See! He doesn’t get eaten! It’s a clever story that teaches us about gravity!
B: No, he does get eaten, just not like that, I think Foxy Loxy tricks them into going back to his house or something and…
Me: Well, that’s not right, Foxy Loxy never had a house.
K: Ok, so Foxy Loxy doesn’t have a house, but he does know enough to teach Chicken Lickin’ about gravity, is that what you’re saying?
Me: I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, I do know that I have to have a conversation with my Aunt though, if you’re all so sure that it’s a brutal tale of Chicken slaughter and not an educational science story about gravity, then I think she may have twisted the ending somewhere along the line...
K: Definitely, my daughter loves the bit where Chicken Lickin’ gets eaten, I taught her to make snapping noises when he gets gobbled up.
Me: And your daughter is how old?
K: 18 months.
Me: You’re a terrible mother.
K: I know.
Monday, May 08, 2006
NYC - Day Four
I should explain now that these diary entries were usually written over coffee the morning after the day I was writing about. This explains why Day Four is so short, because the night of Day Four was spent in a club in the meat packing destrict, and in Manhatten there are no such things as measures, they practise 'free pouring', which is genius, until the morning after.... So the morning of Day Five, when I wrote the following, was very unpleasant...
St Particks Day Parade - 150,000 people marching, Glenn Hearts Cheerleaders, V. Cold, V. Boring, Posh Americans claiming dubious Irish ancestry v. drunk...
Metropolitan Museum of Art - American Art, more modern art (Klimt, Klee, Picasso, Warhol!), had tour, very good, Frank Lloyd Wright room coooool.
Thai food - Yum
Irish bar in East Village - guiness, more yum.
went to some bars and club in Meat Packing Destrict (lotus) - no measures, free pouring, I really want to die right now.
That's it, that's all I wrote, I was in a very bad way the next day, I really want to tell this story though, when we were in Lotus, Glenn and Richard went to check out the upstairs and Catherine and I were chatting downstairs. Within seconds this guy comes over and starts asking us where we're from and can he have our 'cell phone number' (ha! so cool!), I glance up to a balcony and see Glenn and Richard watching us, they're stood next to two girls. Catherine spots them and we start sort of milking this guy's attention to wind the boys up, so Glenn says to the girl next to him "see those girls down there?" she says "yes", he says "they're our girlfriends", she nods, he says "can you wave at them for us?", she says "I think you should wave at them yourself!", he says "well you're no fucking help are you? Thanks for nothing".
Ever the charmer, the moral of the story; Free Pouring, at first it seems like a bargain, but there is a heavier price to pay than cash....
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Me: I have skittles! SKITTLES!
Him: You are on one today.
Me: I am just trying to be happy on a miserable thursday when I am stuck inside an office even though it's a beautiful day... Taste the rainbow! TASTE IT!
Him: You're a weirdo but I love you.
Me: Uh, thanks?
Him: You are on one today.
Me: I am just trying to be happy on a miserable thursday when I am stuck inside an office even though it's a beautiful day... Taste the rainbow! TASTE IT!
Him: You're a weirdo but I love you.
Me: Uh, thanks?
I'm Into Something Good - Herman's Hermits.
I have developed a new passion, rather like the way one of my colleagues is obsessed with the 'FWD' function in Outlook (LEARN YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU WASTE OF SPACE WHO IS PAID TWICE AS MUCH AS ME, I AM NOT YOUR BITCH), I have become enamoured with the 'Shuffle' function my Ipod.
I've heard people say that it's the one one function they never use, the humble Ipod is not a DJ, or a (searching for a word which describes a person who knows a lot about music... searching.... searching... finally settling on...) person who knows a lot about music, so you end up with a bizarre combination of tracks. There is possibly a way of selecting a category but I haven't got there yet, I have only just bought something to make it work in my car. I think it's great though, for the simple reason that it forces me to accidently come across music I never knew I had, I get 6 or 7 seconds into a track and I'm thinking, 'What IS this? When on earth did I buy THIS?' only to realise it's off a compilation CD that Glenn bought a few years back like 'Music to Watch Girls By', or 'The Sixties', but that's half the fun, I know I like all of it so it's like a little treasure trove I can dip into every so often to find something shiny and new.
I got tagged the other day, one of those list things you have to do; 'four jobs I have had', 'four foods I like to eat', and there was 'four things I can't live without'. I hadn't at that time got anything to make it work in my car so my Ipod was turning into a giant waste of money sat in my house and there was no reason to make it part of the list (also not part of the list was, uh, Glenn, yep, listed my mobile but not my boyfriend, I was not popular that night) but I think it will eventually sit pretty high on the list...
Four things I can't live without:
1. GLENN (are you HAPPY now?)
2. My family
3. My lovely, lovely friends
4. Mobile
Wow, four things does not leave you with much wriggle room, there's LOADS of stuff I can't live without....
5. Ipod.
6. Toilet paper
7. A toilet
8. my bed
9. my mums bread and butter pudding
10. My new bathroom floor, it makes me so happy. In the morning when I'm in the shower, I just sneak a peak around the shower screen and there it is, all new and on the floor - happiness is... grey slate tile effect laminate flooring, I just want to sit on it and stroke it all day, rather like what I would like to do to Johnny/Jake/David, but with the floor I actually can...
I've heard people say that it's the one one function they never use, the humble Ipod is not a DJ, or a (searching for a word which describes a person who knows a lot about music... searching.... searching... finally settling on...) person who knows a lot about music, so you end up with a bizarre combination of tracks. There is possibly a way of selecting a category but I haven't got there yet, I have only just bought something to make it work in my car. I think it's great though, for the simple reason that it forces me to accidently come across music I never knew I had, I get 6 or 7 seconds into a track and I'm thinking, 'What IS this? When on earth did I buy THIS?' only to realise it's off a compilation CD that Glenn bought a few years back like 'Music to Watch Girls By', or 'The Sixties', but that's half the fun, I know I like all of it so it's like a little treasure trove I can dip into every so often to find something shiny and new.
I got tagged the other day, one of those list things you have to do; 'four jobs I have had', 'four foods I like to eat', and there was 'four things I can't live without'. I hadn't at that time got anything to make it work in my car so my Ipod was turning into a giant waste of money sat in my house and there was no reason to make it part of the list (also not part of the list was, uh, Glenn, yep, listed my mobile but not my boyfriend, I was not popular that night) but I think it will eventually sit pretty high on the list...
Four things I can't live without:
1. GLENN (are you HAPPY now?)
2. My family
3. My lovely, lovely friends
4. Mobile
Wow, four things does not leave you with much wriggle room, there's LOADS of stuff I can't live without....
5. Ipod.
6. Toilet paper
7. A toilet
8. my bed
9. my mums bread and butter pudding
10. My new bathroom floor, it makes me so happy. In the morning when I'm in the shower, I just sneak a peak around the shower screen and there it is, all new and on the floor - happiness is... grey slate tile effect laminate flooring, I just want to sit on it and stroke it all day, rather like what I would like to do to Johnny/Jake/David, but with the floor I actually can...
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
First panic of the week
I have left my purse at home.
I don't have enough petrol to get home from here.
Sweaty goat balls.
I don't have enough petrol to get home from here.
Sweaty goat balls.
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