1.
Me: Hi, I’m interested in the Renault Megane but I see that on the forecourt it’s priced at £7,495 whereas on your website it’s on for £6,995…
Car Salesman: That’s for the Pakis.
Me: looking at Glenn for help, he’s looking at me for help Sorry, what?
Car Salesman: We put an extra £500 on for the Pakis.
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t understand, how much is the car?
Car Salesman: For you love it’s £6,995. You see they’re always in here, the Pakis, asking, “What’s your final price?! What’s your final price?!” So we always put an extra £500 on the showroom price so we can take it off when they as.
Me: I see….
Car Salesman: Not that we discriminate against Pakis.
Me: Oh good Lord no
Car Salesman: It’s just that they like to barter, so we let them.
Me: How kind of you.
2.
At my father’s birthday dinner.
Mum: So, why don’t you have a boyfriend?
My Sister: 10 past six Mum, you did well, that was a whole hour you went without asking that!
Mum: But why don’t you love?
Sister: Leaning in to my mum’s ear really close, I’M GAY.
Mum: Oh don’t be silly dear.
Sister: I’m not being silly, I’m gay, I like to kiss girls.
Dad: chews silently
Sister: Dad? You’re not saying much about me coming out of the closet.
Dad: It’s not like we haven’t had our suspicions.
Sister: EXCUSE ME?!
Dad: If you repent then the Lord will forgive.
Me: Choking.
3.
Me: Hi, I’m ringing about the Dalek cufflinks I’ve seen in your catalogue.
Assistant who answered the phone to the Next customer service line: Mmm Hmm
Me: Can you tell me if you have any in stock at your Bull Ring store?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la la
Her: Sorry, Garlic cufflinks?
Me: No, Dalek, as in Dr Who?
Her: Hang on.
Me: la la la la
Her: We have some in stock at the Bull Ring yes.
Me: Oh thank you so much I was wondering if
Her: What you will have to do now is you will have to go into the store and buy them.
Me: Uh, What?
Her: YOU, have to go INTO the store and BUY them.
Me: Right, right, yes, thanks, I’ll get on that right away.
Her: Goodbye.
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4 comments:
I like the fact that you sang for the Dalek cufflinks woman. You left this essential part out of the story the other night. I'm disappointed.
DALEK CUFFLINKS??
(shakes head in disbelief) ...dear God
They were for my Dad! He loved them actually, I totally won the best present competition this year, my sister never stood a chance....
yea well, 'Dad I'm gay' is unlikely to be much competition for most presents to be fair
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