Just under two weeks ago I bought a new car and it’s really great and very silver and blah blah etc, THIS week however, I bought something which is threatening my change my life forever, I may never leave the house again, I bought the all new, 2006, rabbit, I bought the ‘Thruster’ and it does, it really does…
Now I am back in Northumberland, me and my new friend, (we’ll call him Roger, because that’s childishly funny on several levels) and last night I decided to try him out. I drank two glasses of wine to try and lose the inhibitions that I strangely developed when the woman behind the counter at Ann Summers asked me if I wanted a box of ‘Buzzy Fresh Wipes’ and thought right then, this is a bit intimidating and kind of hard to wield on your own but YOU CAN DO THIS.
It does not come with an instruction manual, I mean you assume that you wouldn’t need one right? Because although it has a few speeds and two basic functions how difficult can it be? Turns out, it can be very difficult, the first time I tentatively tried it my legs shot out from under me at a 45 degree angle from my body and I couldn’t bend them for a full three minutes, this is not a toy to be taken lightly, you could probably do some serious nerve damage if you’re not careful.
This is all because I am trying to feel a bit sexy again, medical procedures and pain management aside, I think some of the problems I am having stem from just a deep rooted feeling that my body is no longer for sexual things, it’s damaged and diseased and if it all ever gets fixed then it’ll be fixed so it can have babies and I think it’s important for my head to get back to basics. I am 25 years old and absolutely not ready to throw in the towel in that department just yet, so! I bought a vibrator and a box of buzzy fresh wipes and set to work! If I re-condition my head to think of my body as a sexual thing, then I will be able to relax a little more with my unfortunate and woefully neglected other half.
So while you’re watching Eastenders tonight, there I’ll be, legs quite literally akimbo, attempting to steer what looks a lot like a glittery blue balloon animal and possibly needing medical assistance.
But what you should really do, is not watch Eastenders, you should go and watch Casino Royale, because it’s ace and Daniel Craig is hotter that a really hot, hot thing
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3 comments:
So I was thinking, during a particularly uneventful afternoon at work and deciding to surf the web instead, do you know what, I haven't looked at Span's blog in ages, i'll see what she's been up to recently.
Well, oh my God!
How I wished I hadn't bothered. They say that curiosity kill the cat, well, now I well and truly wish I was a cat and that I had been mown down by some vindictive boy racer because I rather be roadkill than be in the situation i am in now, where I have an image in my head that I don't to be there and there is nothing I do can do about it now! Jesus Christ, young lady! Couldn't this posting have come with some sort of "do not read this message" warning. Like one of those "Warning - Spoilers" things you get on the internet forums for things like Lost etc e.g. "Warning - DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT read the following post if you happen to be Span's male, straight, friend, who has known her since she was about 10 and would obviously not want to know about anything that is written below because it is of no interest to you, has never been and never, ever, ever will be. So don't even look, even if you think you might like it, you won't and because if you do, which I keep telling you not to, that you may never be able to look her in the eye ever again!"
Anyway, hope you're well and er...keeping busy!
If nobody else is gonna say then I will, Bloody good show! Why shouldn't we be able to talk openly about little roger - he's only a puppet!
Completely respect ya!
LOF
I concur with LOF. You're the bravest person I know.
LOM
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