Email conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago

Her: Well I think you should at least try them on.

Me: I think you’re insane

Her: You never know unless you try! And you might surprise yourself, how do you know that you won’t put them on and instantly feel like a supermodel?!

Me: Because that will never happen to me, or anyone else who lives in a terrace in Longbridge.

Her: I think they’ll look good on you.

Me: You. Are. Insane.

Her: Try them on.

Me: Remember when you told me to try on white jeans? That they would look great with heels and when I tried them on it was like shoving a sausage through a drinking straw and I didn’t leave the house for two days?!

Her: You tried on the wrong pair.

Me: Every pair of white jeans is the wrong pair.

Her: Well that was then! You’ll never be able to wear them in a few years so have a go, everyone’s wearing them in London.

Me: No one is wearing them in Birmingham.

Her: Try them on,

Me: Will you shut up about them if I do?

Her: Yes.

Me: well ok then.

Text Conversation, two days later, in a shop.

Me: After careful consideration, 10 minutes of humiliation in River Island and some significant damage to my circulation, it has become apparent that I cannot carry off denim hotpants, I hate you.

Her: Well hello! River Island?

Me: WELL HELLO! DENIM HOTPANTS?! I knew I was right, I just knew it, and there I was falling out of a changing room backwards, thighs billowing in the air conditioning, in front of 2 15yr olds and a shop assistant the width of a 4yr old, I hate myself.

Her: At least you tried something new today

Me: I’m going home to cry into a pillow and think about what I’ve done.

Her: Have you thought about a maxi dress?

Me: And just when I thought it wasn’t possible, you make me hate you a little bit more.