My mother said something to me at the weekend which I haven't been able to get out of my head; she said 'you used to think you were going to conquer the world and now it's like you've come down to our level'. She was talking about how both my parents think I have changed over the last 12 months, they're not the only ones, friends have commented on it aswell, some think this is a good thing, other's don't. I am apparently calmer, more 'centered', I seem 'at peace' with who I am.
I find this baffling, I am if anything more confused about the direction my life is heading than ever before, I've made some huge life decisions over the last two years, I got a grown up job, I moved in with my boyfriend, I'm buying a house (which in turn meant I decided where to live after being nomadic for months on end). I lie awake at night wondering if any of these decisions were the right thing. Am I doing any of it too soon? Will I look back in years to come and think I should have slowed down, taken more risks, lost control a bit more?
I suppose this is a side effect of the endometriosis, it's having someone else tell you how you have to think about living your life, forcing you to grow up. That year long career break you wanted? Think again because instead you have to have babies! Babies? really? I was the one who wasn't going to have them until I was 35, I was the one who was going to conquer the world! but there you go, maybe I was flying too high, my mother seems to think so.
On Christmas eve I saw a friend I hadn't seen in 6 years, when I told him about my job and where I was living, he looked shocked and said 'I'm disappointed in you, I thought you'd go further than any of us, you've sold out haven't you?'. I suppose I'm putting what he said together with what my mother said and having a mini early life crisis, have I settled? I never thought I'd stay in the midlands and yet here I am, about to buy a house within a stones throw of Redditch, I thought I'd have some wildly creative job to do with art, the theatre, writing maybe, and here I am at a computer 40 hours of the week fixing other peoples mistakes.
But does it matter? Surely the important thing is whether or not I'm happy, and I am, really happy. I love my (future) house, I love my family, friends, boyfriend, and I really like my job. Maybe buying a house isn't the end of the freedom of youth, maybe it's just roots, and these roots could be the foundation of anything I want them to be, so maybe that's something to get excited about again.
As for the babies... maybe one day.
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