Lost.

My mind is racing with all these things I want to do and I have to learn to CHILL OUT. I am getting so ahead of myself, planning things and wanting to be doing things that are not what I should be doing at this moment and it's so frustrating! Both because I have other things to be getting on with (you know, things that I get paid to do) and because it means I never have a clear head, my mind is always racing with the next thing and then the next thing and then the next thing.

I read something really interesting today, it was in a news article, I forget what the article was about (either that or I'm too embarassed to admit to what it was about - judge for yourself) but the writer said that it is so important not to confuse APPEARING with BEING. Isn't that just one of the most profound things you ever heard? It goes hand in hand with 'you should live a life, not a lifestyle' (only it's a prettier way of saying it). I think sometimes that's what I'm in danger of doing, especially when it comes to my job; like I like the idea of being this career girl who bombs around the country to different places and stays in nice hotels with her laptop and company credit card, but what does that mean really? It means long nights, alone in a hotel, a laptop that's full of numbers and hours and hours in traffic jams. I'm appearing to be living rather than actually living, but in my head there are so many things racing around that I don't have time to stop and think for a second, to order them into things which make sense and actually ACT on what I want to do.

I hate my job, it's taken me a long time to admit to that because this job was meant to be the Big One for me, all the senior people I work with say I have potential and I could take it far but then they stick me with the most menial tasks and the promises they make never come to fruition. I feel like I work surrounded by fog and no matter how much I try to clear it I just fall over another hurdle and then run into more fog (weak ass metaphor).

There is so much going on right now, with the house and work and everything, and all of it seems to be about APPEARING to have everything under control, about APPEARING to be living life to the full and making the most of everything.

I just want to BE for a while.