The Waterboy - without the hidden talent.

On Saturday we are going Buggy Rallying, you can learn all about what Buggy Rallying is here - http://www.walker-adams.co.uk/

I've got to tell you, I don't think I've been this apprehensive about anything since High School, when in summer they change the PE schedule from tortuous games of Netball to tortuous athletics. I really don't do well in competitive situations, I usually crash and burn (you can see how I am extra nervous of a situation where I could ACTUALLY CRASH AND BURN what with the petrol). I like pub quizes, things like that, I don't generally mind team based things but when it's just me against a whole lot of other people who WANT ME TO FAIL SO THAT THEY WILL WIN, I just don't like it, I don't like being tested (driving test - I FELL APART) I don't like being examined (still hvaen't made that appointment with the consultant), anything where I am being judged on my own, just. don't. like. it.

I think I can trace it back to situations like these;

Age 5 - Running race in the reception class sports day in first school, now I skipped the reception class in first school because my mom taught me stuff before I went to school and they thought I was like, too clever for it or something (and that was the first mistake of many to do with my education) so I was actually running in the race with the kids in the class above my age because that was the class I was in. The race started and I thought I was doing pretty well, running my little legs off, I crossed the finishing line about 2 minutes after the person who crossed the line before me and was awarded last place by a teacher who, in retrospect, probably pulled a muscle she waw laughing so hard. I looked at my mother, and she too was laughing as if she had just witnessed the second coming and as the clouds parted, the messiah turned out to be Zippy. Apparently I run funny, or something.

Age 7 - PE teacher declares at parents evening that I am far and away the worst pupil she has ever had and asks my parents if they have ever had my reflexes checked by an expert because she has never in her entire career encountered a child who can't catch a ball. That's not just a few times, that's never, I never ever caught the ball.

Ages 9 to 12 - middle school, never got picked for any school team, and I think most people can relate to being the last person left in the playground when everyone else is stood in a line behind the captains who are arguing over who has to take you.

Age 13 - High school, first PE lesson, Ms Evil the PE teacher (for that is what we will be calling her) asks us all to spend about 10 minutes playing each of the school games, Netball, Hockey, Basketball and after the lesson asks me to stay behind after school because she was impressed with my hockey skills and would like me to try for the school team. You can understand my scepticism. After the session, she takes me to one side and says she's very sorry but she mistook me for another girl and I don't have to go again, ever, pleasedon'tcomeback.

Age 15 - Set new school record for the 800 metres, it took me 10 minutes, I hold the record for the person who took the longest to complete it, I have never been beaten to this very day, and it's been 9 years since I accomplished it, that's impressive in an odd way.

Age 17 - School Sports Day, went into the city and got my belly button pierced instead.

I do not come from a sporty family, my parents are not interested in any of it, my Dad hates football; when he was a kid, he used to be the one timing people on the long distance races, THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER ASKING HIM TO CHANGE CLOTHES, so they never cared that I was so awful, they didn't even look at the PE page on my reports. By the time I left the school Ms Evil could barely look me in the eye, such was her loathing.

So you can see, I am shaking at the very thought of sitting in a rally car, I can just imagine flying off the track into a carpark with my absolute lack of any kind of coordination. Rallying cannot possibly end well. The last thing Chris (whose birthday is the reason we are going) said to me last night as he was explaining it to me was 'please don't be worried... they have helmets.'. Please note how his instruction not to be worried was not followed by 'because you'll be fine', or 'you're a good driver', or 'I bet you do really well', no no, he is assuring me that WHEN I fail, there will be a helmet to protect me.